Did you miss me? I missed you....

Hello boys and girls it’s me, Michael Owen. Obviously you’ve been on the interweb with the memory of  my tantalizing League Cup cameo fresh in your mind and thought “hey I wonder what former England darling Michael Owen, who has shamefully been left out of the national squad again, for no flipping reason whatsoever, been up to recently?” Well you’ve tracked me down and let me tell you it’s been an action packed couple of months in Owen Land. I shit thee not. I’ve scored two, count ‘em, TWO goals in the past month alone. I nearly smiled.
So what else else have I been up to? Well earlier this month I was in the Michael Owen wing of the Carrington training ground and had the pleasure of meeting new signing Chris Smalling when he popped in for his medical. Bless. So being the wholesome lovely chap I pretend to be I went over to greet him and give him a few words of advice. People around here like to call me Yoda! Although that’s because he had a crutch too. Locker room nicknames can be so cruel. Anyway the lad asked me if I had any gems for a young player like him? ‘Yes’ I said. Firstly stop referring to yourself as ‘young.’ You’re 20 years old. By the time I was his age I’d scored 10 goals for England – a school boy error but I forgive him. I’ve made a mental note to lend him my VHS of the England v Argentina game so he’ll always remember there is only room for one child prodigy at Old Trafford and that is me. ME. I’m football’s answer to Peter Pan you t**t. I was about to tell him that he’ll never play for England by way of strangulation but the physios managed to wrestle me to the ground. Hands like lesbians…

Aside from that I’ve been spending alot of time with my agent Rob Llyod who is concerned that as I’m on a pay-as-you-play contract I need to ‘maximise my revenue streams.’ He’s informed me that unless I want to live in a house made of race horses I’d better start hawking myself around like a cheap whore to any global brand listening. Due to this I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time out of oxygen tent and at a series of meetings with droll marketing types who say things like ’synergy’, ‘low hanging fruit’ and ‘glass ceilings.’ Yawn.

The upshot of all this is the agency have run a series of focus groups to measure which demographics resonate with me and which markets to target. Which apparently is female Daily Mail readers over the age of 40 and injured servicemen.

At the last season the group was asked to come up with words and terms that came to mind when they thought of me. Don’t think it over. Just the first thing that slams into that pretty little head of theirs. I was hoping, and slightly expecting, words like relevant, cool, explosive, peak, virile, fame, diverse, aspirational or reliability. That’s where the ka-ching is. I’m only a year older than Justin Timberlake for God’s sake! I could bring sexy back if it didn’t require rigorous exercise. The results weren’t as positive as I hoped. Circling the drain, Windows 98, disposable, expiration date, stair lifts and ‘meh’….. The list goes on. I was so displeased I started referring to myself in the third person which is something I usually reserve for more private moments like when I watch people sleep.

However the jokes on them as the marketing company keeps their details on file. That’s not a threat Mrs Hutchins of Salford. Aged 42 and living alone. Just another truth grenade from the Andy McNab of football…

Until next time. Keep fit.
Michael