December 19th, 2010
Promising to deliver 'no nonsense' pasties
West Ham fans were briefing a sigh of relief this weekend after High Street bakery Greggs announced the signing of Big Sam Allardyce as their new regional manager for Scunthorpe.
Chief Executive Rajah Smith declared his delight at signing Big Sam and predicted almost immediate results, stating that exciting changes were ahead for the ailing chain following the implementation of Sam’s ‘back to basics’ business plan.
“We’re delighted to have Sam on board,” Mr Smith told the BBC, “not only is he a massive presence behind the counter but also a single minded leader. It wasn’t easy to convince him to join us, he was close to becoming Fergie’s personal arse licker on a full time basis, but he couldn’t resist the allure of a fresh bake. Just like our customers!” Read the rest of this entry »
October 3rd, 2010
"I see you."
Morning muggles. Sorry I haven’t blogged of late it’s been tough getting a wi-fi connection out here on the goal trail. Yeah that’s right, goals as in plural. Not only did I net a brace against Scunthorpe (which you can watch here, preserved forever like my youthful, never ageing face, I’m the Dorian Grey of the Premiership bitches) but I also bagged another header against Bolton. In the Premier League no less. We might as well just call it what it is; a hat-trick of goals.
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October 1st, 2010
"Do you stop at Eastlands?"
Beleaguered Liverpool boss Woy Hodgson denied that the Merseyside club were on the brink of collapse following their disappointing 0-0 draw with FC Utrecht.
The club, having endured a lacklustre start to the Premier League season, are said to concerned about the mental state of star striker Fernando Torres who didn’t board the team coach after the game, opting instead to activate an escape capsule.
Hodgson told press, whilst avoiding crumbling pillars and cataclysmic fissures between his legs, that things “were fine, tickity boo, business as usual” and confirmed he was not “missing Fulham in anyway shape or form.”
September 16th, 2010
Well well well we meet again loyal readers. What are the chances? Me an international football icon who can be mistaken for Ryan Reynolds at a distance and you, a nondescript fellow of minimal importance groping in the dark recess of the internet for porn, who no doubt stumbled upon my diary by googling LIVERPOOL + SEX GOD + PROLIFIC.
You lucky beast.
So what have I been doing all these months I hear you ask? Pre-tell Michael what has occupied your days since the World Cup finished and the start of the Premier League season?
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September 8th, 2010
We wish him a speedy recovery. Which is ironic as if he wasn't injured he'd be well quick and ting
Arsenal fans were tonight collectively howling in derision and crying into their fairtrade hummus dipped in Algerian waffers following news that another of their star players faces a lengthy spell on the treatment table. Live wire winger Theo Walcott, who is normally locked safely in a quilted box in the Emirates stadium ‘trophy room’, was left writhing in agony only 10 minutes into England’s Euro qualifier in Switzerland after being lovingly caressed by the opposition.
“It could be worse,” commentated philosophical Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger, “if he had been actually tackled he could have been facking killed. Thank Christ it wasn’t De Jong.”
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