June 23rd, 2010
"They treated me like a piece of meat."
Cape Town, South Africa – The Jabulani match ball today finally broke her silence on this years World Cup and sensationally put the boot into French football, claiming the Les Bleus were technically inferior to other footballing nations and couldn’t use her properly.
The oval whore, seen in the company of numerous football players this World Cup, accused French footballers of being “complacent, inattentive and sloppy” and accused ace midfielder Ribery of being “arrogant and very French like.”
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June 21st, 2010
"Rooney was shit the other night." "Yes, yes he flipping was."
Cape Town – South Africa. Team morale in the England dressing room reached it’s lowest ebb yesterday after an unsightly fracas at Fabio Capello’s 64th birthday party. England’s pampered superstars fell out when a simple game of pass the parcel highlighted the growing divisions in the camp and an inability to work cohesively.
Stuart Pearce told Sky News that tensions peaked when a nonchalant sideways pass from Wayne Rooney resulted in Glen Johnson fumbling the parcel before Emile Heskey “ploughed into him with an ill judged two footed tackle.”
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June 18th, 2010
Killing you softly with our sound.
Pretoria, South Africa – An English football fan is recuperating in hospital after suffering perforated ear drums and mild brain damage in what is the first in an expected slew of vuvuzela related tragedies. The London man, 56, was admitted to Pretoria general hospital after collapsing during the Holland vs Denmark game complaining of severe head pains, piss poor zonal marking and an inability to hear himself think.
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June 13th, 2010
The British are known for their sense of humour, their ability to look adversity in the face and maintain their dignity and stiff upper lip in the face of certain doom. Shit just happens. We’ll moan incessantly about it afterwards, perhaps for years at a time, regailing friends with tales of injustice at any opportune moment. But we will laugh about it too, turning our pain into the gallow humour for which we’re renowned. The American’s could really learn a lot from the English. We’d just laugh off that ‘oil spill.’ (Do these two respective spills even themselves out? No?)
The exception to the above is when we lose a football game in front of the World and our collective ice cool façade shatters, instead opting to pointing fingers and running around with pitch forks and the like.
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June 12th, 2010
Please go to www.twitter.com/crabfootball for all our sardonic musings on the FIFA World Cup.
