Fabulous ball control.

Manchester City midfielder Patrick Vieira has hit back at accusations that he intentionally set out to injure Stoke’s Glen Whelan in last Tuesdays ill tempered contest at the Britannia Stadium. Vieira, who has hit with a retrospective three match ban for raking Whelan viciously in the nether regions, said on his personal website that he was only reacting to a previously unseen incident.

Vieira, whose freakishly large genitalia can be seen from Google Earth, wrote that as early as the second minute he’d been the victim of an unsavory lunge from the Stoke midfielder.

“He gave me an early kick just to let me know he was there,” said the World Cup winning midfielder, “he caught me just above the ankle – right on the shaft. Ohhhhhh it bloody hurt. So when I saw him later on I thought ‘one good turn deserves another’ however he appears to be unlucky in the trouser area. I only caught air!”

As a result Vieira will now miss City’s forthcoming crunch Premiership ties against Tottenham and Chelsea.

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