Items have now been removed from the internet.

Trading Standards officers were called into action on Monday morning to investigate claims that beleaguered Portsmouth have been disguising their star assets as general household objects and selling them on the popular eBay website – in a pathetic attempt to bypass the Premier League’s stringent transfer rules.

Trading Standards were first contacted last Friday when concerned members of the public reported purchasing second hand items which possessed unexpected and alarming properties. Erdal Koca of Havant, Hampshire was one such victim who purchased a ‘rare’ African teak lamp from the Premiership outfit. (pictured)

“I was concerned initially that it didn’t work,” said the retired school teacher, “it cast no light nor had any obvious switches or plugs – however I found it to be an intriguing and sturdy piece. I didn’t really pay it much attention until it coughed politely one afternoon and asked for some water. But I just put this down to shoddy workmanship.”

“I only became suspicious when the lamps agent called to remind me his wages were due on Friday and that they were in the region of £80,000. When I read the listings small print I nearly shat out a lung. To further compound my disappointment I found upon lifting the lamp shade that I had not unwittingly purchased a rare Cristiano Ronaldo but was in fact the ‘proud’ owner of John Utaka. Is he even a footballer? I feel like I’ve been raped. And not in the good way.”

Trading Standards have warned internet shoppers to be more vigilant over what they purchase after a child in the Stubbington area was injured on a children’s climbing frame which transpired to be midfield enforcer Michael Brown.

Hampshire Police have now confirmed they’re investigating the matter with assistance from the Football Association.