"Rarrrrrrrr!!!!!!"

Japanese Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama today launched a stinging attack on Villa forward John Carew after  the languid striker had single handedly crushed 5,000 Japanese people in an unprovoked and devastating attack on Japan  last night. Eye witnesses state that the 6′7 target man surfaced from the depths of the North Pacific Ocean at 7pm local time before SUDDENLY ATTACKING the Chimba prefecture of Tokyo in a two hour orgy of chaos and destruction which left thousands homeless – causing more damage in one evening than the entire nation of Norway had mustered in the past Milena.

John Carew’s agent has issued a statement on behalf of the player apologising for last nights ‘antics’ and ensured panic stricken members of the public that his clients actions were neither malicious nor intentional – merely the result of the player letting a new sponsorship deal get to his reptilian head.

“You know what it’s like – one drink turns to two, two turns to five and before you know it you’re roasting Japanese people with your hydro-atomic breath and toppling sky scrappers with hands the size of articulated lorries. It’s the sort of thing you do when you’re towering over everything you see like some terrible malevolent God. It’s like killing ants. You’d have done the same.”

Yukio Hatoyama: "He is meant to be an ambassador for the sport."

However one man keen not to down play the incident is no-nonsense Villa boss Martin O’Neil who is said to be fuming that a senior squad player should be travelling thousands of miles to pursue his wanton desires on the eve of an FA Cup tie. Particularly as Carew had previous in this area, missing last years plum European tie with Ajax after indulging in an ill advised pre-match strip club bender.

Furious O’Neil told the BBC, that beyond the destruction, rising death toll and bad PR was a more pressing issue. The all important race for fourth place.

“It doesn’t send out a good signal to the rest of the squad does it?” said O’Neil rhetorically. “Just as the finishing line is in sight and we’re looking for top gear you flick on the news and BAM! There he is again. Eating bloody trains. A distraction we could really do without. Is he sufficiently rested for tomorrow? Not really. He’s flipping knackered. Transatlantic travel is not ideal preparation for a big match.“

"We've lost everything. I hope Palace win 3-0."

Aston Villa confirmed that Carew would be fined two weeks wages for the breaking the clubs pre-match curfew and reassured the people of Japan this would not happen again.