Killing you softly with our sound.

Pretoria, South Africa – An English football fan is recuperating in hospital after suffering perforated ear drums and mild brain damage in what is the first in an expected slew of vuvuzela related tragedies. The London man, 56, was admitted to Pretoria general hospital after collapsing during the Holland vs Denmark game complaining of severe head pains, piss poor zonal marking and an inability to hear himself think.

Michael Denning of Highbury told local press; “I’ve been to Scotland before and heard bag pipes – which I also assumed were designed to drive tourists from over crowded areas – but the vuvuzela doesn’t even have a second sound. Hearing one of them is equivalent to a sonic paper cut to your scrotum but the noise generated by 50,000 horn wielding piss lanterns is horrendous. It’s worse than hearing Germans sing.”

The life long Arsenal fan, unaccustomed to a football stadium with an atmosphere, was shocked by the cacophony of noise at the Soccer City in Johannesburg where the  sound has been measured in excess of 130 decibels which, according to the EU’s Health and Safety Directorate, is on par with the sound of a jumbo jet but ‘less pleasant.’

Dr Tobias Nestler, responsible for the NHS’s swine flu marketing campaign Catch it. Kill it. Bin it. warned that the repeated usage of the instrument represented a far more insidious threat than first thought. The prominent health official told BBC reporters:-

“The amount of flem produced by a single vuvuzela over the course of an hour is approximately 150ml. Which in lay mans terms means that unless you are sitting in row Z you are effectively being spat on by the surrounding public for ninety minutes. The back of your head is literally a petri dish for diseases and bacteria. Plus it’s minging. That’s not sweat on the fan’s faces… they’re literally dripping goblets of flob projected from vuvuzelas. If you buy a half time hot dog by the time you’ve returned to your seat it’s basically been licked by 30 random strangers. Foreign strangers too. You might as well bob for apples in a nightclub urinal or snog Jordan’s perineum.”