Joe 'Einstein' Cole

Football fans the world-over have been forced to re-appraise the degree of Joe Cole’s mental retardation. In an otherwise unremarkable press conference, Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish accidentally caused a minor sensation whilst praising the cretinous midfielder:“Joe’s got the ability to open up a can of beans. He’s a talented footballer and we’ve got to make sure he is right and ready. He’s done nothing but good over the last few weeks.”

The insinuation that Cole is capable enough to breach a sealed package was understandably met by howls of mocking laughter from the assembled press until it became uncomfortably apparent the Merseyside legend was not deliberately being funny.

Dalglish’s backing appeared to have a positive effect, as Cole put in a solid shift during Liverpool’s 1-0 win against SC Braga.  More importantly, the revelation that Cole has the potential to feed himself unsupervised has increased his market value exponentially.

A club insider revealed:

“Look, Joe’s a lovely lad but the rumours that his wife is registered as his permanent carer has definitely raised questions as to his value and reliability…what if she leaves him? Who’s going to ensure he’s washed and has the required nourishment to play a full 90 minutes?  This may not affect his ability to assume the captaincy of the national team, but at club level….he’s going to struggle.”

Once vaunted as the most naturally gifted English footballer since Paul Gascoigne, Cole is tragically ill-equipped to appreciate the irony of this comparison, let alone the concept of irony, or language.

However, Dalglish’s continued support can prove only to lift Cole’s reputation from the stagnant depths of idiocy upon which it currently foams.  Certainly, this website has now learned not to judge a footballer by his constant look of open-mouthed wonder and vacant stare.

2 Responses to “BREAKING NEWS: JOE COLE ABLE TO FEED SELF”

1. Raja1957 Says:
   March 25th, 2011 at 8:02 am

   Why would his wife want to leave him ?Its every wife’s hope that their hubby will be able to follow their commands
   and wishes.In most cases their have to be brow-beaten and dumbed down -in Cole’s case he had to be elevated from his moron status.Way to go Joe!
   I always noticed that’look’on England players on photo shoots -that eh? Where ?-when the photographer says cheese .Now I know better.
   He has nice teeth though .

2. Raja1957 Says:
   March 25th, 2011 at 8:04 am

   Sorry …they have to be..

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