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EXCLUSIVE: ROAMING REPORTER MARK JAZZHANDS GOES THROUGH FOOTBALLS BINS TO FIND SCRAPS OF SCANDAL

The Premier League has long been a byword for  inconceivable financial excess; but football’s particular brand of decadence has now become so farcical that it’s hard to take seriously, let alone fathom.

El Hadj–Diouf’s oh-so familiar purchase of a super-car this week raised no collective eyebrows; whilst his demand that the chassis of the car should be fashioned entirely from Kobe Beef can almost be excused as ‘rational’ in this day and age.

Ashley Cole recently confessed that his pre-match routine involved sipping vials of Puff Daddy’s tears, whilst West Ham’s Mark Noble liked Cambodia so much on his last holiday that he bought two. Yet no one seems phased by such unparalleled self-indulgence any longer.

So when does lucre become filthy? When does cash become dirty? When does finance become … not…..good…?

When Porn gets involved.

The Crab has uncovered controversial new plans to augment club finances with revenue from ‘mature’ sponsorship. The monetary advantages are clear, but clubs risk ostracising one section of fans, whilst beckoning others into their bedrooms for five, maybe seven, sordid minutes.

Porn has rarely thrusted its bulbous head above footballs parapet; which is paradoxical as both industries are arguably perpetuated by w*nkers. However, it now appears that Birmingham City, synonymous with the sac-like porn-monger David Gold, has once more been tempted back to bed by the irresistible lure of the ‘cock dollar’.

Hitherto unpublished snaps from Birmingham City’s 2010-2011 kit-catalogue reveal next seasons sponsor to be leading growler-merchant PORNHUB. In pure business terms this seems a sound choice: whilst conventional sources of corporate finance have failed to perform – porn has remained hard and unwavering in the face of the current economic climate.

The wisdom of securing adult-sponsorship was inadvertently supported by Sir Alan Sugar, who claimed this week:

“The credit crunch has unquestionably changed the way we do business, financial institutions are more cautious, customers are more prudent….but f*cking hell, there’s nothing stopping me from cr*cking one off over XNXX.com, have you SEEN that place? I mean, I didn’t know there was such a thing as too much porn but…”

However, unlike their new sponsor’s legion of fans, Birmingham does not remain alone in its pursuits – Spurs are also rumoured to have firmly nailed their colours the rigid mast of pornographic investment. The business world is currently shooting its proverbial load at the suggestion that Spurs have secured a staggering $45million investment from YOUPORN.

Spurs represent an interesting prospect; YOUPORN are thought to have asked for both shirt sponsorship and stadium naming rights. However, it remains to be seen whether Jermaine Defoe will feel comfortable running out at ‘Bukkake Lane’.

Regardless of what happens, football is arguably about to enter a tainted new world and we must brace for impact – for the chafing strokes of change are coming, and it may not be pleasant. Never have the trustworthy vanguards of corporate sponsorship shimmered as brightly as they do now; where for art thou JVC? Oh SHARP…truly you were too good for this world. Even you, CROWN PAINTS….at least I knew where I stood with you.