The Crab rounds up another shovel load of footballing rumours.

• Cash rich Tottenham supremo ‘Arry Redknapp is set to splash the mullah on Switzerland goalkeeper Eldin Jakupovic to ‘provide competition’ for Heurelho Gomes. Which we thought Ben Alnwick was meant to do. Still it’s only money isn’t it? (Daily Mirror)

• Chelsea and Arsenal are, to quote the Daily Mail, ‘battling it out’ over Inter Milan’s £18 million striker Mario Balotelli. If last Sunday is anything to go by he’s probably already having a medical at Stamford Bridge whilst Arsene has his fingers in his ears and is busy telling people he didn’t need or want him anyway. Honest guv. (Daily Mail)

• AC Milan heavy weight Gennaro Gattuso is looking for a new club after he walked out on talks with AC Milan. Rumours are he’ll be sending youtube footage of himself to all Premier League Chairmen (but not poor old cash strapped Pompey) in the immediate future. (The Sun)

• Newcastle United have ruled out signing free agent Sol Campbell. Which must be gutting. I bet Notts County’s £50,000 a week is looking awfully tempting now. (Daily Mirror) However the Magpies may bring comedy legend Laurent Robert back to the club. The 35 year old fiery Frenchman is on a free after leaving Larissa in Greece. I’m sure he’s in the form of his life. (Daily Mirror)

• Birmingham have snapped up Congolese wonderkid Amiga ‘Le Lupe’ Eitise for £500,000 from Brassaville United. The youngster, who was raised by wolves for the first ten years of his life, is famed for speed, agility and ability to scratch his ear with his foot. (Birmingham Evening Post)

• Arsenal player Andrei Arshavin is doing all he can to destroy his team’s fragile confidence by slowly turning into the Premier League’s equivalent of shock rock DJ Howard Stern, writing this damning assessment of his teams performance last Sunday (here):-   “The fact that we have lost against our direct rivals this season signifies that we are not very good. We played good football, but that is not enough. We score a lot of goals, but we always let in one or more. We are not good on set pieces, and that is bound up with the fact that we don’t have many tall players. Every other team has an advantage over us in this area. Chelsea were much stronger than us when it came to physical power.” (Daily Mail) Ouch.

• And lastly Emile Heskey has been arrested by West Midlands Police after it was exposed he was blackmailing Fabio Capello and was in possession of compromising pictures of the England boss with Jodie Marsh. Peter Crouch is said to be ‘overjoyed.’ (various)

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