Glitch in the Matrix. Kalou hat-trick

So the Premier League is nearly ready to crawl back into it’s cave for another Summer leaving us with only the World Cup to fill the dark void in our lives that no amount of X-Box or self loathing can fill. So what have we learnt during this second-to-last penultimate weekend? Other than women aren’t attracted to sun burnt men and don’t respond well to invitations to ‘dance on my cock.’ What bombshell’s have landed at our feet like a pin point Fabregas through ball?

1) That West Ham United are safe for another season thanks to Burnely and Hull’s respective loses. Which is nice. West Ham’s inclusion in the Premier League is something of a necessity as they provide many teams, who are better run in almost all aspects, with something to point and laugh at. In Newcastle Uniteds absence they are the yard stick by which teams like Birmingham, Bolton and Sunderland can measure mediocrity. Did we finish above West Ham? Check. Are we still a Premier League team? Check. Are we solvent? Check. Good. Job done. Pass ‘Go’ and collect your TV rights money for another season.

Of course we can’t just credit Burnley and Hull listless performances for West Ham’s survival. We should also pay homage to the genius of Scott Parker who, despite being knee deep in incompetents for much of the season, has put in enough decent performances to warrant an England place this summer. Scoring the winning goal against Wigan in their 3-2 win can only re-afirm this.

2) That Sol Campbell, Arsenal’s very own Rocky Balboa, may be fit and capable enough for one more swan song this summer. Sure he’s got the acceleration of a breeze block but during Arsenal’s dreary 0-0 draw with Manchester Lite he showed more tactical awareness than John Terry has mustered over the past three months combined. Presumably because he’s not pre-occupied with the meat curtains of his team-mate’s missus. He also played with Mikael Silvestre (for God’s sake) which is essentially the sporting equivalent of running around with a dead conjoined twin on your hip. Give the man his due.

3) That Sir Alex Ferguson really is one of the greatest managers ever and that we must concede, begrudgingly, that United aren’t a one man team. Yes Wayne Rooney is several cuts above his team mates but when it really matters Fergie can still get a performance out of anyone. Even Nani. He hasn’t had the resources available to him as his illustrious London rivals but he’s still running them to the wire. Even following the loss of Tevez and Ronaldo. Fergie is essentially the sporting equivalent of the Sugababes. He just won’t die. Everytime you think United are on their last legs, or that their squad isn’t that good anymore, they go and convincingly beat the League’s form team 3-1.

We at Crab Football doth our caps to Fergie, Scholes, Giggs et al.

Nani puts United in front.

4) That Chelski, on their day, are the best team in the League – it’s impossible to deny. Sunday’s 7-0 win against Stoke merely underlined how irresistible they can be on their day and that they possess the best squad in the League.

There we said it. It wasn’t easy. Like admitting to a girl it’s all over. Just more painful.

The raw facts are that Abramovich has invested in blue chip international footballers for several years now and they  are all at the peak of their careers and paying dividends. That they haven’t sewn up the most open campaign in a decade is testament to teams like Wigan (their gutsy 3-0 win at the beginning of the year set the tone for these mad cap months), some lackadaisicalal defending (and Terry’s new found ability to push the self destruct button) and Ancellotti’s occasionally frustrating tactics. If they don’t win the league they need to take a long look at themselves. Which I’m sure Lampard probably does anyway. Whilst naked and pouting at his reflection.

5) That Villa aren’t done just yet. They’ve had a torrid time this year and been on the receiving end of several perplexing (and costly) referring decisions – which have denied them a place in the F.A. Cup Final and a shout of winning the League Cup Final. But have kept hacking away in the vivid hope they’ll get a break.

Sunday’s 1-0 win over Birmingham – which may signify a change in fortunes – now offers them a tantalising hope of Champions League football which would be just deserve for O’Neil given the pitiful resources at his disposal. Especially when up against free spenders Spurs and Manchester Lite.

Their next game is away to Manchester Lite which should prove very tasty.

Braps.

The Crab