Smiling on the inside

Chelsea claimed three vital points in the race for the Premier League title as they leapfrogged Manchester United in a 2-1 win on Saturday afternoon.

United, bereft of star striker Wayne Rooney, looked distinctly average and were undone by a piece of Joe Cole trickery in the 20 minute when the personality deprived midfielder back heeled past Van Der Sar from close range.

Fernando Macheda and Didier Drogba both scored contentious goals late on but Chelsea held on for a deserved win. Carlo Ancelotti later told press that United were “not the same team without him (Rooney)” (here) whilst Ferguson told press that with five games left the title was Chelsea’s to lose.

At least they both agree with each other.

Elsewhere Barcelona punch bag Arsenal stayed in contention after beating Wolverhampton Wanderers 1-0 courtesy of a Nicklas Bendtner goal so late it could have been pronounced dead at the scene.

The injury ravaged Gooners dominated proceedings from start to finish but only made their possession count after Wolves captain Karl Henry was controversially sent off for a late lunge on Tomas Rosicky (who is made of straw). Resulting in the Arsenal ace spasming on the pitch like his knackers were wired to a car battery.

Henry later blamed his dismissal on the antics of the ‘moaning’ Arsenal players who surrounded the referee (here). An accusation rejected by Wenger who excused his players on the basis they were still ‘traumatised’ by the spectre of Aaron Ramsey’s injury. The gift that keeps giving.

RACE FOR FOURTH SPOT

Manchester Lite climbed into fourth spot after seeing off pitiful Burnley in a 6-1 victory. Had it been a boxing match the ref would have halted proceedings after 22 minutes (with City 4-0 up) as Burnley would have been unconscious. Or dead. Although we’re sure that any self respecting coroner would probably rule it as a self assisted suicide given the ineptitude of Burnley’s defending.

Elsewhere Aston Villa bounced back from their  7-1 mauling to Chelsea by beating Owen Coyle’s Bolton side 1-0 at the Reebok Stadium thanks in no small part to a beautiful curler from Ashley Young. Which sounds dirty, but trust us, was highly impressive.

Meanwhile Tottenham Hotspur’s annual collapse began in earnest with a 3-1 loss to a Sunderland side in an action packed encounter which saw Darren Bent score two goals, miss two penalties, and Boudewijn Zenden score a wonderful Cryff-esque (Johan, not Jordi) volley.

It’s almost like Spurs are allergic to the Champions League.

I'm so tweeting about this...

And finally Liverpool failed to beat Birmingham City at St. Andrews despite initially going ahead through Steven Gerrard.

RELEGATION FUN

West Ham finally found a spine and handed their survival hopes a much needed boast by holding Everton to a 2-2 draw – thanks mainly to a late Ilan header two minutes from time.

Fulham beat Wigan Athletic to end a run of three successive losses. Fulham were trailing by a goal at half time and  booed off by their own fans – despite Roy Hodgson’s men enjoying a champagne season both in England and in Europe – but redeemed themselves with second half goals from Stefano Okaka and Brede Hangeland.

You can’t please some people. It’s not like they’re Hull. Or from Hull.

Speaking of Hull they lost 2-0 to Stoke City at the Britannia Stadium despite showing enough grit, skill and panache to suggest they could yet stage a stirring Steve McQueen-eqsue style. Complete with Nazi soldiers, a triumph motor bike and a convenient hill. Which would be a major achievement for Ian Dowie. A win in their next game against Burnley could put them on the road to glory or, in the event of a draw, render the rest of the relegation battle meaningless.

Talking of meaningless Portsmouth drew 0-0 with Blackburn in a game that can only be described by emitting the sort of high pitched whining made by a dog after being hit by a car and crawling to a ditch to die and had as much impact on the Premier League as the release of The Sugababes new single. If West Ham  get a point next weekend Portsmouth will be officially relegated with four games remaining. Which, given the season they’ve had, is a minor miracle. Like Kerry Katatona not being dead yet.

AND FINALLY…..

Congratulations to Newcastle United who gained promotion this weekend thanks to a 3-2 win over Peterborough. Will Chris Hughton be the new Paul Ince or the new Rudi Gullit? No one knows but it’ll be a pleasure having England’s best circus back in the Premier League.

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