I wasn't washed up at 21! In your face underling!

Hello loyal readers! It’s me again. Your good friend, your chum, your confidant, Michael Phillip Owen. I thought I’d drop you all a note to let you know that I’m still alive (and yes, uninjured) and back in the UK after my two weeks training in Austria. Phew!

I won’t lie to you all. It’s been an arduous few weeks but I’ve done everything I could to impress upon the coaches that I am still as sharp as a knife and ready to lead England to glory. Which seemed to have worked a treat as Capello insisted, via my lawyer, that I should stay in Austria “impressing” whilst the rest of the squad take part in two friendlies in an attempt to prove their worth ….. suckers!

And so I returned to England to wait and see if I am one of the seven poor saps who are surplus to requirements and will not be making the final 24…

The tension in the house was palpable.

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"Dedication to the cause ..... I'm not the only one who will bleed"

I believe that obstacles are sent to test us. Injuries are endured so that we return stronger, restraining orders teaches us control our urges, and, as I told myself on Thursday morning, as I stood outside the England teams training pitches, security personnel is sent to us to test our determination. I understand why you’ve done this Fabio. I do. I understand why you’ve posted two monobrowed guerrillas barring my path.

How bad do you want it Michael?

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Surprise!

Firstly ladies and gents allow me to apologise for not writing sooner, it’s very amiss of me. I’ve been in the zone. The danger zone. I’ve been recuperating, laying in the oxygen tent, shadow boxing, weeping openly and then recuperating some more. It’s been an intense routine. To a muggle like yourself you will struggle to comprehend the mental discipline you need to go through this or understand why you’d subject yourself to this torture, but it’s all worthwhile when you can smell the World Cup around the corner.

It’s impossible for me to really describe how good it felt when the voice in my head announced I had been named in the 31 man squad. The months of worry whether i’d make it were finally over – the extra hours of training I had put in, abstaining from sexual intercourse for the last 18 months, drinking nothing but Lucozade Sport, it had all been worth it – I would be on that plane!

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Did you miss me? I missed you....

Hello boys and girls it’s me, Michael Owen. Obviously you’ve been on the interweb with the memory of  my tantalizing League Cup cameo fresh in your mind and thought “hey I wonder what former England darling Michael Owen, who has shamefully been left out of the national squad again, for no flipping reason whatsoever, been up to recently?” Well you’ve tracked me down and let me tell you it’s been an action packed couple of months in Owen Land. I shit thee not. I’ve scored two, count ‘em, TWO goals in the past month alone. I nearly smiled.
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"Kill someone for a copy...."

Hello loyal readers! It’s been a while since I have blessed you with my writings. Apologies. However I’m sure you’ll appreciate that I’ve had a very busy Christmas eating TV dinners and watching series 4 of Dexter. Very educational. I also played against Fulham but the less said about that the better. Particularly as that bitch Zamora scored again. Zamora for England? More like the glue factory! Anyway I’m off to post biting comments about him on some Fulham fansites under my alias notmichaelowen1980.

In the interim I’ll leave you with a short story I wrote in between gently weeping and punching myself in the stomach. My therapist said it was healthy for me to write down my thoughts – although since bringing this to our last session she’s avoided me like the plague. But don’t worry fans! I’ll hunt her down eventually.

Literally.

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