September 8th, 2010
We wish him a speedy recovery. Which is ironic as if he wasn't injured he'd be well quick and ting
Arsenal fans were tonight collectively howling in derision and crying into their fairtrade hummus dipped in Algerian waffers following news that another of their star players faces a lengthy spell on the treatment table. Live wire winger Theo Walcott, who is normally locked safely in a quilted box in the Emirates stadium ‘trophy room’, was left writhing in agony only 10 minutes into England’s Euro qualifier in Switzerland after being lovingly caressed by the opposition.
“It could be worse,” commentated philosophical Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger, “if he had been actually tackled he could have been facking killed. Thank Christ it wasn’t De Jong.”
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September 8th, 2010
I'm 'big boned'
Portly Newcastle defender Sol Campbell today fired a broadside across the bows of internet hate mongers, labelling his detractors as ‘pathetic’ and denying allegations he has eaten the bassist in Scissor Sisters.
Campbell’s publicist, David Hampton, underlined his clients protests by telling press that the player had not eaten anyone, gay, straight or otherwise, in over two years but – in news that will stun the nation – was known to eat people.
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July 6th, 2010
Ronaldo leaves hospital on Monday afternoon.
Lisbon, Portugal - Football superstar Cristiano Ronaldo was last night celebrating the birth of his first child after successfully getting his right hand pregnant after ‘months of trying.’
The Real Madrid winger, more used to defying the laws of physics than biology, is said to be ecstatic with the news and allegedly now has a right hand that can crush boulders into dust.
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July 5th, 2010
Taking calls day and night ladies...
Money grabbing Chelsea star Ashley Cole was hitting headlines for all the wrong reasons today after the Sunday Mirror broke news that he’d been ‘bombarding’ pretty models with salacious texts before and after crucial England World Cup matches.
An anonymous model told reporters that the sex crazed pillock had hounded her with 139 separate text messages begging for dirty talk and ‘reelly durty pix.’
However football fans will be stunned that dirty-pillow-obsessed Cole also sent pictures of his naked torso to the hussy – thereby locking her into a 12 month premium rate sex service for Red Hot Cole INC.
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June 28th, 2010
Goal !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...... wait, what?
Although England were dumped out of the World Cup yesterday, comprehensively being beaten 4-1 by Germany on actual goals, they still came away with a victory in excuses making them the real winners on the day.
The team’s performance was uninspiring for the first half hour falling behind to two German goals — however in an action packed couple of minutes, England turned the dire performance around being awarded a solid excuse to send the Squad and English Press home happy with someone else to blame.
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