Crab Football » News Article

BREAKING NEWS: JOE COLE ABLE TO FEED SELF

The Crab — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 12:48:55 +0000

Joe 'Einstein' Cole

Football fans the world-over have been forced to re-appraise the degree of Joe Cole’s mental retardation. In an otherwise unremarkable press conference, Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish accidentally caused a minor sensation whilst praising the cretinous midfielder:“Joe’s got the ability to open up a can of beans. He’s a talented footballer and we’ve got to make sure he is right and ready. He’s done nothing but good over the last few weeks.”

The insinuation that Cole is capable enough to breach a sealed package was understandably met by howls of mocking laughter from the assembled press until it became uncomfortably apparent the Merseyside legend was not deliberately being funny.

Dalglish’s backing appeared to have a positive effect, as Cole put in a solid shift during Liverpool’s 1-0 win against SC Braga. More importantly, the revelation that Cole has the potential to feed himself unsupervised has increased his market value exponentially.

A club insider revealed:

“Look, Joe’s a lovely lad but the rumours that his wife is registered as his permanent carer has definitely raised questions as to his value and reliability…what if she leaves him? Who’s going to ensure he’s washed and has the required nourishment to play a full 90 minutes? This may not affect his ability to assume the captaincy of the national team, but at club level….he’s going to struggle.”

Once vaunted as the most naturally gifted English footballer since Paul Gascoigne, Cole is tragically ill-equipped to appreciate the irony of this comparison, let alone the concept of irony, or language.

However, Dalglish’s continued support can prove only to lift Cole’s reputation from the stagnant depths of idiocy upon which it currently foams. Certainly, this website has now learned not to judge a footballer by his constant look of open-mouthed wonder and vacant stare.

Tottenham Sign Worlds Most Expensive Mascot

The Crab — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 22:24:30 +0000

Beckham arrives at Spurs

Tottenham Hotspur fans were literally dancing in the discarded heroin needle littered streets of North London after Daniel Levy confirmed David Beckhams arrival at White Hart Lane on a short term deal.

Levels of smug were reaching dangerous proportions as Levy lauded the capture, describing Beckham, 35, as ‘the greatest PR signing of the season.’ Telling press that his arrival will transform the teams fortunes on the pitch and would help sell replica shirts to the far east.

“In Japan we’re just really known fo being Manchester United’s feeder club,” said Levy, parading Beckham like a shiny bauble, “but not any more – now we’re on the map!”

But manager Redknapp was quick to dash suggestions that the ageing war horse was only there to boost the clubs profile and help in the bid to secure the Stratford Olympic Stadium. Nosiree. Reminding press that Mr Beckham would also be helping Lennon learn how to cross, a concept he’d struggled with for nearly four years.

“It’s just around the corner Mr Abramovich,” confirms Hill Top Taxis

The Crab — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 14:07:17 +0000

"To Heathrow?"

The owner of Hill Top Taxis, Dale Watkins, last night confirmed to press that his finest Estonian taxi driver had been dispatched to Stamford Bridge to collect “one passenger.”

‘It’s just rand the corner,’ Mr Watkins was quoted as saying, verifying internet rumours that Mr Abramovich had ordered a taxi for Italian supremo Carlo Ancelotti following Chelsea’s 3-1 capitulation to Arsenal FC.

In unrelated news Ray Wilkins is said to be pissing himself with laughter.

Ferguson: – Hargreaves is ‘technically still breathing.’

The Crab — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 16:32:01 +0000

"A real trooper."

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson today threw cold water over rumours linking the league leaders to Lassana Diarra; stating that midfield dynamo Owen Hargreaves, last seen in the year of our Lord 1839, was ‘raring to heal.’

Ferguson described Hargreaves ‘as a real battler’, regaling press with tales of how the England international had recently fought off the spectre of Death with his crutches at the Carrington training ground, much to the delight of his watching team mates.

‘Owen is gearing up for excessive period of healing which will hopefully lead to some training, maybe some reserve games and potentially some tangible first team action in the form of the Carling Cup. If not it’s the knackers yard.’

Hodgson Denies Talk of Crisis as Torres Activates Escape Pod

The Crab — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 23:26:03 +0000

"Do you stop at Eastlands?"

Beleaguered Liverpool boss Woy Hodgson denied that the Merseyside club were on the brink of collapse following their disappointing 0-0 draw with FC Utrecht.

The club, having endured a lacklustre start to the Premier League season, are said to concerned about the mental state of star striker Fernando Torres who didn’t board the team coach after the game, opting instead to activate an escape capsule.

Hodgson told press, whilst avoiding crumbling pillars and cataclysmic fissures between his legs, that things “were fine, tickity boo, business as usual” and confirmed he was not “missing Fulham in anyway shape or form.”

Arsenal Player Nearly Dies In ‘Innocuous Circumstances’

The Crab — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 23:35:11 +0000

We wish him a speedy recovery. Which is ironic as if he wasn't injured he'd be well quick and ting

Arsenal fans were tonight collectively howling in derision and crying into their fairtrade hummus dipped in Algerian waffers following news that another of their star players faces a lengthy spell on the treatment table. Live wire winger Theo Walcott, who is normally locked safely in a quilted box in the Emirates stadium ‘trophy room’, was left writhing in agony only 10 minutes into England’s Euro qualifier in Switzerland after being lovingly caressed by the opposition.

“It could be worse,” commentated philosophical Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger, “if he had been actually tackled he could have been facking killed. Thank Christ it wasn’t De Jong.”

Fabio Capello later confirmed to press that the England winger, who was rushed for scans at a nearby hospital, would be out for ‘two Arsenal weeks.’ Which in real terms means two months/indefinitely/he’ll never recover but instead live a Van Persie-esque half life where he drifts transiently between the ‘world of the fit’ and the ‘world of the dead.’ Occassionally threatening to play consecutive games before-mysteriously-being-struck-down-by-a-fucking-set-back-of-course. Like some super fast ethereal spirit who offers so much and delivers less than a milk man with a diary allergy.

Sol Campbell Denies Eating ‘A Whole Gay’

The Crab — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 23:08:29 +0000

I'm 'big boned'

Portly Newcastle defender Sol Campbell today fired a broadside across the bows of internet hate mongers, labelling his detractors as ‘pathetic’ and denying allegations he has eaten the bassist in Scissor Sisters.

Campbell’s publicist, David Hampton, underlined his clients protests by telling press that the player had not eaten anyone, gay, straight or otherwise, in over two years but – in news that will stun the nation – was known to eat people.

Orderves

“Go watch Big Brother,” Mr Hampton advised press before adding, “my client is fighting fit, raring to go, and literally starving. We haven’t let him out the house for months. And when we do…. we won’t be responsible for who he ravishes.”

Manager Chris Houghton has complained that Sol’s successful debut in the reserves last week has left him with a ’selection’ headache ahead of Saturday’s visit by Blackpool, as the defender had ominously likened him to a ‘hairsuite coffee truffle.’

Ronaldo Succeeds In Getting Right Hand Pregnant

The Crab — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 20:55:50 +0000

Ronaldo leaves hospital on Monday afternoon.

Lisbon, Portugal - Football superstar Cristiano Ronaldo was last night celebrating the birth of his first child after successfully getting his right hand pregnant after ‘months of trying.’

The Real Madrid winger, more used to defying the laws of physics than biology, is said to be ecstatic with the news and allegedly now has a right hand that can crush boulders into dust.

However Ronaldo’s joy was tempered by predictable observations that his choice of conception mirrored that of fellow Latino Ricky Martin.

“Contrary to tittle tattle and his questionable dress sense I can confirm Cristiano is not homosexual – although he does like Glee,” confirmed weary agent Luis Tubole, “in fact he is so straight that he is prohibited from sharing an enclosed space with Chuck Norris in case their rampant testostorone tears a whole in the fabric of reality.”

Mr Tubole also confirmed for press that the only man Cristiano fancies, and will ever fancy, is himself, although he did not rule out the possibility that the fickle footballer may change his mind when he ages significantly. The father himself is said to be delighted but ultimately ‘exhausted’ after spending the last few years gazing adoringly at himself and shaving off his body hair.

Cristiano Jesus Ronaldo Jr weighs 8oz and is doing well. Crab Football wishes them all the best.

New Cashley Drama As Chelsea Star Locks Model Into ‘Premium Rate Contract’

The Crab — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 07:39:17 +0000

Taking calls day and night ladies...

Money grabbing Chelsea star Ashley Cole was hitting headlines for all the wrong reasons today after the Sunday Mirror broke news that he’d been ‘bombarding’ pretty models with salacious texts before and after crucial England World Cup matches.

An anonymous model told reporters that the sex crazed pillock had hounded her with 139 separate text messages begging for dirty talk and ‘reelly durty pix.’

However football fans will be stunned that dirty-pillow-obsessed Cole also sent pictures of his naked torso to the hussy – thereby locking her into a 12 month premium rate sex service for Red Hot Cole INC.

SHOCKING

“I couldn’t believe that Ashley was actually sending me pictures of his surprisingly scrawny upper body,” said the anonymous attention grabbing slapper, “but when I received a text stating I’d been charged £6.50 for the pleasure I was outraged. Now I appear to be a subscriber to his ’service’ and can ‘look forward’ to more of his exclusive photos. I feel so used..”

Now the penniless model faces the prospect of paying for a further eleven months of candid Ashley snaps, whom Chelsea officials have applauded as ‘a chip off the block.‘

“Most people would be shamed by these revelations,” commented Chelsea spokesman David Hampton, “but due to medical reasons, we all know he has no shame. It’s a foreign concept to him, like loyalty. Him and John Terry will also be appearing on Wife Swap. Not just for one episode either. Every week. Forever. Even if they’re not invited. They can’t be stopped.”

Crab Football suggests that women and men avoid texting Ashley at all costs and if confronted should chase him away with meat cleavers. Or fidelity.

England Happy With Fantastic 1-0 Victory in Excuses

The Crab — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 13:29:19 +0000

Goal !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...... wait, what?

Although England were dumped out of the World Cup yesterday, comprehensively being beaten 4-1 by Germany on actual goals, they still came away with a victory in excuses making them the real winners on the day.

The team’s performance was uninspiring for the first half hour falling behind to two German goals — however in an action packed couple of minutes, England turned the dire performance around being awarded a solid excuse to send the Squad and English Press home happy with someone else to blame.

On the 37th minute England’s joint top goal scorer for the tournament, Matthew Upson, scored with a cushioned header from Steven Gerrard’s cross. Then shortly after the restart Frank Lampard came up with a piece of magic to give the England team what they were looking for. “I knew I had caught the ball sweetly from Jermain’s scrambled knock down and could see the keeper was scrambling” said a jubilant Lampard “at first I thought it was just an equalizer but when I caught sight of the referee not giving it we all celebrated the rock solid excuse, it’s better than a goal!”

England managed to hold on to the excuse for the remainder of the match. A clearly emotional Capello said after the game “it was important that we didn’t score after the disallowed goal to fully cement the excuse. Therefore after falling further behind it was of upmost importance not to send on Peter Crouch as he’s stupid enough to actually score a goal, instead I was able to once again rely on Emile Heskey…… and people thought I was stupid to pick him ……. who’s laughing now?!”

A confused Joe Cole added “We can really push on from here and I think we’re in with a great chance of winning the World Cup”.

So another World Cup campaign is over for England, seemingly moving ever closer to the day they take their ball back declaring “it’s our game, you’re not allowed to play any more”.

The question of whether Lampard and Gerrard can play together has finally been answered, until that is the qualifying games for the Euro 2012 begin, when the question will once again be asked “can they play together?” …… “no” …… “you’re right. But can they?” …… “no!!” …… “ok yep get ya. But can they?” It seems much in the same vein as John Motson, Death is the only true conclusion to this nagging quandary.

Though one thing for sure is flags of support will be coming down in England quicker on Monday than they did in Germany the day before ‘VE Day’ in 1945.