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July 6th, 2010
 Ronaldo leaves hospital on Monday afternoon. Lisbon, Portugal - Football superstar Cristiano Ronaldo was last night celebrating the birth of his first child after successfully getting his right hand pregnant after ‘months of trying.’ The Real Madrid winger, more used to defying the laws of physics than biology, is said to be ecstatic with the news and allegedly now has a right hand that can crush boulders into dust.
July 5th, 2010
 Taking calls day and night ladies... Money grabbing Chelsea star Ashley Cole was hitting headlines for all the wrong reasons today after the Sunday Mirror broke news that he’d been ‘bombarding’ pretty models with salacious texts before and after crucial England World Cup matches. An anonymous model told reporters that the sex crazed pillock had hounded her with 139 separate text messages begging for dirty talk and ‘reelly durty pix.’ However football fans will be stunned that dirty-pillow-obsessed Cole also sent pictures of his naked torso to the hussy – thereby locking her into a 12 month premium rate sex service for Red Hot Cole INC.
June 28th, 2010
 Goal !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...... wait, what? Although England were dumped out of the World Cup yesterday, comprehensively being beaten 4-1 by Germany on actual goals, they still came away with a victory in excuses making them the real winners on the day. The team’s performance was uninspiring for the first half hour falling behind to two German goals — however in an action packed couple of minutes, England turned the dire performance around being awarded a solid excuse to send the Squad and English Press home happy with someone else to blame.
June 23rd, 2010
 "They treated me like a piece of meat." Cape Town, South Africa – The Jabulani match ball today finally broke her silence on this years World Cup and sensationally put the boot into French football, claiming the Les Bleus were technically inferior to other footballing nations and couldn’t use her properly. The oval whore, seen in the company of numerous football players this World Cup, accused French footballers of being “complacent, inattentive and sloppy” and accused ace midfielder Ribery of being “arrogant and very French like.”
June 21st, 2010
 "Rooney was shit the other night." "Yes, yes he flipping was." Cape Town – South Africa. Team morale in the England dressing room reached it’s lowest ebb yesterday after an unsightly fracas at Fabio Capello’s 64th birthday party. England’s pampered superstars fell out when a simple game of pass the parcel highlighted the growing divisions in the camp and an inability to work cohesively. Stuart Pearce told Sky News that tensions peaked when a nonchalant sideways pass from Wayne Rooney resulted in Glen Johnson fumbling the parcel before Emile Heskey “ploughed into him with an ill judged two footed tackle.”
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