Beckham arrives at Spurs

Tottenham Hotspur fans were literally dancing in the discarded heroin needle littered streets of North London after Daniel Levy confirmed David Beckhams arrival at White Hart Lane on a short term deal.

Levels of smug were reaching dangerous proportions as Levy lauded the capture, describing Beckham, 35, as ‘the greatest PR signing of the season.’ Telling press that his arrival will transform the teams fortunes on the pitch and would help sell replica shirts to the far east.

“In Japan we’re just really known fo being Manchester United’s feeder club,” said Levy, parading Beckham like a shiny bauble, “but not any more – now we’re on the map!”

But manager Redknapp was quick to dash suggestions that the ageing war horse was only there to boost the clubs profile and help in the bid to secure the Stratford Olympic Stadium. Nosiree. Reminding press that Mr Beckham would also be helping Lennon learn how to cross, a concept he’d struggled with for nearly four years.

"To Heathrow?"

The owner of Hill Top Taxis, Dale Watkins, last night confirmed to press that his finest Estonian taxi driver had been dispatched to Stamford Bridge to collect “one passenger.”

‘It’s just rand the corner,’ Mr Watkins was quoted as saying, verifying internet rumours that Mr Abramovich had ordered a taxi for Italian supremo Carlo Ancelotti following Chelsea’s 3-1 capitulation to Arsenal FC.

In unrelated news Ray Wilkins is said to be pissing himself with laughter.

"A real trooper."

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson today threw cold water over rumours linking the league leaders to Lassana Diarra; stating that midfield dynamo Owen Hargreaves, last seen in the year of our Lord 1839, was ‘raring to heal.’

Ferguson described Hargreaves ‘as a real battler’, regaling press with tales of  how the England international had recently fought off the spectre of Death with his crutches at the Carrington training ground, much to the delight of his watching team mates.

‘Owen is gearing up for excessive period of healing which will hopefully lead to some training, maybe some reserve games and potentially some tangible first team action in the form of the Carling Cup. If not it’s the knackers yard.’

"Do you stop at Eastlands?"

Beleaguered Liverpool boss Woy Hodgson denied that the Merseyside club were on the brink of collapse following their disappointing 0-0 draw with FC Utrecht.

The club, having endured a lacklustre start to the Premier League season, are said to concerned about the mental state of star striker Fernando Torres who didn’t board the team coach after the game, opting instead to activate an escape capsule.

Hodgson told press, whilst avoiding crumbling pillars and cataclysmic fissures between his legs, that things “were fine, tickity boo, business as usual” and confirmed he was not “missing Fulham in anyway shape or form.”