Crab Football » Football Rumour Round-up

The Crab’s Football Rumour Round-up (Sunday)

The Crab — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 00:48:09 +0000

The News of the World, who seemingly have omnipotent powers to rival Mystic Meg, are predicting that the Liverpool board will ‘approach’ Roy Hodgson about the vacant managers post. Reading between the lines we presume he may even be asked to fill it. But that’s crazy conjecture on our part. (Here)

Over in Africa star players are dropping like flies. Flies I tell you. Which is ironic given there are an abundance of the buggers over there and they rarely ‘drop’ to my knowledge. In fact they’re always in rude health when I check and they pester you and sit in your sandwich. Is that irony? Anyway Rio Ferdinand’s knee has become Heskey collateral damage, Didier Drgoba has fractured his arm, Arjen Robben is a doubt after limping out of Holland’s last friendly, Jon Obi Mikel has a crook knee and Hull ’starlet‘ Jozy Altidore is a worry too.

Meanwhile in the Premier League West Ham’s new boss and brothel frequenter, Avram Grant, has splashed the cash on former Villa midfielder Thomas Hitzlsperger whose surname literally means ‘thunder hammer‘ in German. How appropriate. That’s the London equivalent of Manchester City buying someone called Thomas Mercenary. Or Liverpool buying someone called Thomas Injury. Or Portsmouth buying someone called Thomas Castoff. I could go on. (here)

Speaking of Manchester Lite, they’ve ‘bolstered their defence’ (or started building one) with the signing of much hyped German defender Jerome Boateng. But don’t get too excited. His brother Kevin Prince Boateng was meant to be one of the most promising midfielders in Europe when he signed for Spurs. And where is he now? Exactly. Keeping Michael Brown company at Portsmouth. (here)

And finally Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger, who is oblivious to the fact the team are lacking a couple of centre backs and a goal keeper who doesn’t make Jens Lehmenn look like Gordan Banks, is poised to move for Serbian international Milos Krasic. Who can play anywhere across midfield. Or he could pull the proverbial finger out and just sign Joe Cole already. (here)

The Crab

The Crab’s Football Rumour Round-up

The Crab — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 13:38:13 +0000

Former X-factor contestant Andy Abraham has dropped a bombshell on Arsenal fans, indicating that at Theo Walcott’s 21st Birthday Bash he was told a big star is leaving this summer. The publicity seeking star failed to clarify if it was Arsene Wenger leaving for Madrid, if Fabregas is set for Barcelona or if he just rates Denilson really, really highly. Maybe he just wants attention.

Portmouth’s financial woes are under control at the moment, according to the Sunday Telegraph, if they manage to jettison the remainder of their paper thin squad. Apparently CSKA Moscow are set to purchase Nadir Belhadj, Kevin Prince Boateng is set for Sevilla and, bizarrely, Stoke are formalising a bid for Aaron Mokoena. Which is extremely charitable of them.

The Mirror’s hacks report that Chelsea and Spurs are locked in a ‘tussle’ to land 17 year old Nigerian striker Sani Emmanuel. Who I’ve never heard of. But it sounds kinky. £10 Chelsea win because a) They need the average age of their squad to fall under 30 b) I bet dirty old Spurs like being ‘dominated’ c) Emmanuel may have heard of Giovanni Di Santos and decide that going on loan to Ipswich and then being indefinitely lost isn’t his thing.

Arsenal are being linked to absolutely everyone under the sun. Such as Hamburg defender Jerome Boateng, West Ham Carlton Cole and Japanese striker Takayuki Morimoto. Which probably means bad things for Sol Campbell, 46, and an Arsenal striker. Maybe it’s RvP who is leaving…. Andy?

Manchester United are considering splashing a cool £40 million on fleet footed eye sore Franck Ribery who, according to the Sunday Express, will be filling a Ronaldo shaped hole in the squad and instantly rendering Gary Neville and Darren Fletcher almost attractive in comparison.

And finally the News of the World are claiming that Sunderland, who are really happy in mid table, and never want to leave, are plotting on whisking £10 million in crisp £5 notes to Spurs in the hope of returning with preening winger David Bentley and Portsmouth superstar Jamie O’Hara. It’s nice to know some people punch their weight.

The Crab’s Friday Football Rumour Round-up

The Crab — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 08:30:21 +0000

The Crab rounds up another shovel load of footballing rumours.

Cash rich Tottenham supremo ‘Arry Redknapp is set to splash the mullah on Switzerland goalkeeper Eldin Jakupovic to ‘provide competition’ for Heurelho Gomes. Which we thought Ben Alnwick was meant to do. Still it’s only money isn’t it? (Daily Mirror)

Chelsea and Arsenal are, to quote the Daily Mail, ‘battling it out’ over Inter Milan’s £18 million striker Mario Balotelli. If last Sunday is anything to go by he’s probably already having a medical at Stamford Bridge whilst Arsene has his fingers in his ears and is busy telling people he didn’t need or want him anyway. Honest guv. (Daily Mail)

AC Milan heavy weight Gennaro Gattuso is looking for a new club after he walked out on talks with AC Milan. Rumours are he’ll be sending youtube footage of himself to all Premier League Chairmen (but not poor old cash strapped Pompey) in the immediate future. (The Sun)

Newcastle United have ruled out signing free agent Sol Campbell. Which must be gutting. I bet Notts County’s £50,000 a week is looking awfully tempting now. (Daily Mirror) However the Magpies may bring comedy legend Laurent Robert back to the club. The 35 year old fiery Frenchman is on a free after leaving Larissa in Greece. I’m sure he’s in the form of his life. (Daily Mirror)

Birmingham have snapped up Congolese wonderkid Amiga ‘Le Lupe’ Eitise for £500,000 from Brassaville United. The youngster, who was raised by wolves for the first ten years of his life, is famed for speed, agility and ability to scratch his ear with his foot. (Birmingham Evening Post)

Arsenal player Andrei Arshavin is doing all he can to destroy his team’s fragile confidence by slowly turning into the Premier League’s equivalent of shock rock DJ Howard Stern, writing this damning assessment of his teams performance last Sunday (here):- “The fact that we have lost against our direct rivals this season signifies that we are not very good. We played good football, but that is not enough. We score a lot of goals, but we always let in one or more. We are not good on set pieces, and that is bound up with the fact that we don’t have many tall players. Every other team has an advantage over us in this area. Chelsea were much stronger than us when it came to physical power.” (Daily Mail) Ouch.

And lastly Emile Heskey has been arrested by West Midlands Police after it was exposed he was blackmailing Fabio Capello and was in possession of compromising pictures of the England boss with Jodie Marsh. Peter Crouch is said to be ‘overjoyed.’ (various)

The Crab’s Football Rumour Round-up

The Crab — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 08:04:59 +0000

The Crab rounds up another shovel load of footballing rumours.

Manchester Lite manager Mark Hughes is set to swoop for poor man’s David Beckham, David Bentley, and is ready to offer £8 million to Tottenham for the privilege. Which represents only a loss of £8 million on the £16 million they paid Blackburn for the preening winger. Which isn’t bad for Spurs. One day they’ll learn. Expect to see Bentley showboating on the Manchester Lite wing in the near future and whipping in crosses for a clearly offside Adebayor. (The Mirror)

And whilst Manchester Lite are at it they’ll also overload on holding midfielders for the sheer sake of it – either that or they’re planning on forming the most fearsome boy band of all time, with The Mirror stating they’re ‘hoping’ to bring in Gennaro Gattuso from AC Milan to keep Barry, De Jong and Kompany on their toes. (The Mirror)

Ladbrokes, still flush with success after the naming of Wayne Rooney’s first child, have announced they are now taking bets on who will be the first openly gay Premier League footballer. However David Hampton, Sol Campbell’s agent, has warned that punters shouldn’t bank on making a fast buck from his clients name, revealing that it was in fact Sol himself who started the false rumours about his homosexuality to ‘make himself appear more interesting.’ (The Daily Sport)
After Kieran Gibb’s injury playing for the England Under 21 team Arsene Wenger is set to RECALL PHILLIPE SENDEROS to the Arsenal first team with Vermaelen switching to his preffered left back to accomodate him. Wenger has also confirmed it is now a fully fledged injury crisis. (Various)
Chelsea are set to celebrate the lifting of their transfer ban by snaffling up the first thing they see, which in their case is Sergio Aguero, whom Abramovich has been leering at for some time now, mouthing ‘come to daddy’ whilst seductively wafting £40 million in Athletico Madrids general direction. (The Telegraph)
Tottenham and Manchester United are set to fight it out for the signature of Plymouth’s centre back sensation Jamie Richards. Tough choice. (The Star)

Liverpool will have to axe four stars from their wage bill this January to keep the club afloat. Top of the list are Rieira, Babel, Skertl and anyone else who isn’t Steven Gerrard or Torres. (The Daily Mail)
West Ham striker Dean Ashton has announced that he is not returning to football following his gap year abroad. The burly striker is said to have greatly enjoyed his time traipsing around China, Bali and Thailand and was considering teaching English in Japan next. ‘We always knew he’d never come back’ – said a resigned Gianfranco Zola. (The Daily Mail)
And finally Nicholas Anelka’s autobiography ‘It’s Not Me. It’s Everyone Else‘ finally moved to the top of the book charts this week as it was revealed that Roman Abramovich had purchased 14,000 copies of the book to boast his players fragile self-esteem. However Abromovich’s PR team have stringently denied that it is only Roman’s money keeping the weighty tomb at the top of the charts, telling press that ‘it would be just as high without Roman spending that amount of money – honest.’ (The Guardian)

The Crab’s Football Rumour Round-up

The Crab — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 08:30:24 +0000

The Crab rounds up another shovel load of footballing rumours.

Liverpool are to make a loan move for Tottenham’s underused Russian striker Roman Pavlyuchenko. Although why Spurs would save their rivals from David Ngog is anyones guess. (The Mirror)

Alternatively Liverpool could be splashing £20 million on West Ham’s Carlton Cole. With the England striker said to be keen to raise his England profile ahead of the World Cup and to get a guaranteed pay check each week. (The Sun)

Arsenal’s Arsene Wenger is poised to pick up another diamond in the rough with the signing of no-nonsense, tough tackling 21-year-old midfield enforcer Hitpreet Gandhi, great-grandson of Mahatma Gandhi. He should be joining the Gunners in a £500,000 deal. (Daily Sport)

Colleen Rooney will be unveiled today as the new face of Mothercare following the birth of first child Kai. Rooney’s wife was said to be delighted to have inked the deal with the company as this was the next logical step in her career after she’d ‘milked that girl of the people bullshit till it was a lifeless, dried up husk.‘ Expect to see young Kai flaunted around in OK magazine sometime in the near future and held aloft like she is The One Ring. (various)

Everton are leading the pack in pursuit of Benfica’s Javier Garcia. With the defensive midfielder set to cost anywhere between £15-£200 million.

Rumours persist in The Sun that Steven Gerrard is ready to call time on his Liverpool playing days to concentrate on his international career, The Mail is even suggesting that he has hired Sol Campbell’s lawyer Damien Bishop in a hope he can ‘do a Notts County‘ because the only thing he’s won recently was his court case.(Sun and Daily Mail)

Alex Ferguson has total faith in his playing squad despite being linked to Bolton’s Gary Cahill and Stoke’s Ryan Shawcross, signalling the end of Rio Ferdinands Manchester United days, and a move for Bordeaux striker Marouane Chamakh as Rooney can’t carry the whole team.

John Terry was dealt a blow yesterday (no puns about his father please) when various tabloids rounded on him and his comments about how foreign players have a ‘propensity to dive.’ Terry has denied he is a racist saying he ‘treats everyone like they’re white.’ (The Telegraph)

And finally The Mirror is reporting that Newcastle supremo Mike Ashley is contemplating transfer listing 10 of the clubs 33 points that they’ve won this season, stating they were ‘surplus to requirements.’ He is also allegedly willing to sell his mother for a fistful of used £5 notes. (The Mirror)