Not the Premier League Manager of the Month.

Happy New Year everyone! And when we mean everyone we of course mean everyone bar Gary Megson and poor old Portsmouth.  And paedophiles. Obviously. But that goes without saying. Anyway on the dawn of the New Year the Premiership landscape is slipping gradually into an oh-so-familiar shape as the big guns of the league continue to flex their muscle and the little paupers, scratching a meager living at the bottom of the barrel, get beaten like Little Mo.

Firstly Portsmouth, rock bottom of the league and 4 points adrift of 19th placed Hull, get hit by a wind-up petition by HMRC. And when we say ‘wind-up petition’ we don’t mean a petition going “sign up and force Margaret in accounts to get her unsightly upper lip waxed.” We mean “if you don’t pay up by the end of January you go into administration.” This of course, in Premier League parlance, means instant relegation. Which all things considered could actually be more merciful than having them play out a full season.

Kind of like shooting an annoying three legged dog.

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Rooney rescues United. After nearly sinking them.

The shape of the Premier League looked a little more familiar after the latest round of post Christmas games. Firstly League leaders Chelsea saw their lead at the top whittled away further as they drew 0-0 with inform Birmingham City at St Andrews. Although an upset was only a harsh linesman’s flag away after Birmingham’s Benitez had the only goal of the game disallowed and denied the pleasure of pissing on Carlo Ancelotti’s chips. So to speak. Birmingham were also indebted to keeper Joe Hart also put in a decent shift between the sticks and did World Cup chances no harm – denying Chelsea with three classy stops to keep matters level.

It’s just as well they didn’t lose as elsewhere traditional rivals Arsenal, Manchester United and Liverpool all returned to winning ways. Arsenal beat young pretenders Aston Villa 3-0 at the Emirates thanks to a super cameo from Cesc Fabregas, who climbed off the bench for 28 minutes to score twice before limping off with seven minutes remaining. Diaby gave the result a generous gloss with a superb injury time goal.

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Chin up Mark. It's Christmas soon! Sorry? A P45? We didn't know....

Ho ho ho Crab Football readers! The season of happiness and good will is upon us! Can’t you just feel the warmth rise up within you? Can you feel the undeniable joy of the festive period that penetrates through all of us, even the coldest of bah humbug cynics, gently basking you in an aura of happiness? Not if your name is Sir Alex Ferguson it doesn’t. The Manchester United manager is probably still incandescent with rage after his team were torn apart 3-0 by Fulham on Saturday. Yep you read that right. 3-0. In fairness with much of his squad ruled out through injury Ferguson had less of a defence than Josef Fitzl but the manner in which his team capitulated against Zamora and co is quite alarming. If not totally out of sync with this odd ball season where anything goes. With no defenders due back anytime soon it could be a tough holiday period for the Champions.

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Lampards penalty ensured three points for the hosts. Bah humbug.

Wolverhampton Wanderers gave Sir Alex Ferguson’s Manchester United team the perfect early Christmas present by fielding a team of waifs and strays for Tuesdays match at Old Trafford. With calamitous results. Not only did they symbolically hand their opponents three points on a silver platter but also Mick McCarthy could have to face the music for contravening obscure, dusty rule 20 (section E) of the Premier League code, which states “In every league match each participating club shall field a full-strength team.” Wolves went on to lose the game 3-0 thanks to goals from Rooney, Vidic and Valencia.

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"Touch my nipple"

The Premier League truly makes a mockery of us all. Just when you think the League is beginning to find it’s equilibrium after a topsy turvey few months along comes another weekend packed with so many curve balls that you literally don’t know where to begin.

Amidst the chaos Arsenal’s Arsene Wenger must be chuffed that his side’s title tilt is back on track. Not only did his wonder midgets beat rivals Liverpool 2-1 at Anfield, pushing Rafa Benetiz closer to the exit door, but all their rivals slipped up in games that should have seen them collect three points.

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