Hull relegation confirmation shocker.

So the door finally shuts on the penultimate round of Premiership fixtures this season with only a few last loose ends to tie up. And pretty important loose ends at that I may add. Firstly who finish in fourth spot? And more importantly will Chelsea be able to win at home to Wigan to seal the title? Who knows. Bobby Zamora has turned himself from national joke to periphery England squad member so if nothing else we’ve learnt this year not to take anything for granted. Charles N’Zogbia could have a blinder and I’ll end up eating my words.

So what have we learnt this week?

1) That Roy Hodgson clearly deserves the manager of the year award. No debate. Three days after leading his Fulham side to the Europa League final thanks to a historic 2-1 win over Hamburg he led his team to their first home win over West Ham in 44 years. Which is pretty good. Especially with a squad as deep as a paddling pool and cobbled together from the four corners of Europe. What self respecting team would have Chris Baird in their team? Even Northern Ireland would think twice if they had other options. So many congratulations to you Mr Hodgson.

Fulham 3 – West Ham 2 (Highlights)

2) That if Arsene Wenger is going on a spending spree this Summer then half his squad are successfully playing their way out of the squad. The Sunday Mirror this weekend has linked Arsenal with all sorts of seasoned Premier League work horses; Joe Hart, Gary Cahill, Scott Parker, Jamie Milner and Kevin Doyle to name but five.

So you’d think with that sort of transfer tittle-tattle circling the club the likes of Fabianski, Silvestre and Diaby would pull their socks up, put in a shift and convince their gaffer they are keepers. Instead their performances against Blackburn underpinned another indifferent Arsenal display and pushed them to their third consecutive Premier League lose. Meaning that if they fuck up at Fulham Arsenal could even suffer the humiliation of finishing fourth. Fourth.

And the winning Blackburn goal came from another Fabianski flapper shocker (here). He’s for the chopping block.

Is Fabianski's Arsenal career Dunn?

3) That Liverpool’s failure this season could mark the start of a new world order. Spurs and Manchester City are both vying for the loose Champions League berth and with the funds they have at their disposal it’ll be doubtful that Liverpool, Villa or Everton will get a look at fifth, let alone fourth next year.

Both teams have made massive strides of late – Manchester City’s squad of elite mercenaries are impressively dismantling teams in gung ho fashion whilst Spurs have built a rock solid squad and have Gareth Bale in the locker. Who is looking like the seasons break out star from where we stand.

Thanks for making the Premier League interesting again Rafa. You’ll be missed.

4) That Chelsea have all but sewn up the title thanks to their 2-0 win over Liverpool. All Carlo Ancelotti’s men have to do now is beat Wigan in their last game and then to order an open top bus. Could Wigan pull the mother of last minute surprises and nick a precious point at the Bridge?  Stranger things have happened but if they do I’ll eat my shorts.

Liverpool 0 - Chelsea 2

5) That Victor Moses may be a World Cup long shot and playing for an unfashionable team but is nonetheless very good. There are a plethora of players making a late charge for a World Cup spot – particularly as back up on the troublesome left wing. Common consensus is that City’s Adam Johnson is ample of Fabio’s eye but spare a thought for little Jack Wilshire who has impressed of late and in particular for Victor Moses who put in another eye catching display for Wigan. Scoring the opener in their 2-2 draw with Hull. (here)

With the Nigerian team throwing the youngster admiring glances it might be worth giving the fleet footed winger a debut against Mexico later this month. It’s that or Stewart Downing. Which is a compelling argument.

Glitch in the Matrix. Kalou hat-trick

So the Premier League is nearly ready to crawl back into it’s cave for another Summer leaving us with only the World Cup to fill the dark void in our lives that no amount of X-Box or self loathing can fill. So what have we learnt during this second-to-last penultimate weekend? Other than women aren’t attracted to sun burnt men and don’t respond well to invitations to ‘dance on my cock.’ What bombshell’s have landed at our feet like a pin point Fabregas through ball?

1) That West Ham United are safe for another season thanks to Burnely and Hull’s respective loses. Which is nice. West Ham’s inclusion in the Premier League is something of a necessity as they provide many teams, who are better run in almost all aspects, with something to point and laugh at. In Newcastle Uniteds absence they are the yard stick by which teams like Birmingham, Bolton and Sunderland can measure mediocrity. Did we finish above West Ham? Check. Are we still a Premier League team? Check. Are we solvent? Check. Good. Job done. Pass ‘Go’ and collect your TV rights money for another season.

Of course we can’t just credit Burnley and Hull listless performances for West Ham’s survival. We should also pay homage to the genius of Scott Parker who, despite being knee deep in incompetents for much of the season, has put in enough decent performances to warrant an England place this summer. Scoring the winning goal against Wigan in their 3-2 win can only re-afirm this.

2) That Sol Campbell, Arsenal’s very own Rocky Balboa, may be fit and capable enough for one more swan song this summer. Sure he’s got the acceleration of a breeze block but during Arsenal’s dreary 0-0 draw with Manchester Lite he showed more tactical awareness than John Terry has mustered over the past three months combined. Presumably because he’s not pre-occupied with the meat curtains of his team-mate’s missus. He also played with Mikael Silvestre (for God’s sake) which is essentially the sporting equivalent of running around with a dead conjoined twin on your hip. Give the man his due.

3) That Sir Alex Ferguson really is one of the greatest managers ever and that we must concede, begrudgingly, that United aren’t a one man team. Yes Wayne Rooney is several cuts above his team mates but when it really matters Fergie can still get a performance out of anyone. Even Nani. He hasn’t had the resources available to him as his illustrious London rivals but he’s still running them to the wire. Even following the loss of Tevez and Ronaldo. Fergie is essentially the sporting equivalent of the Sugababes. He just won’t die. Everytime you think United are on their last legs, or that their squad isn’t that good anymore, they go and convincingly beat the League’s form team 3-1.

We at Crab Football doth our caps to Fergie, Scholes, Giggs et al.

Nani puts United in front.

4) That Chelski, on their day, are the best team in the League – it’s impossible to deny. Sunday’s 7-0 win against Stoke merely underlined how irresistible they can be on their day and that they possess the best squad in the League.

There we said it. It wasn’t easy. Like admitting to a girl it’s all over. Just more painful.

The raw facts are that Abramovich has invested in blue chip international footballers for several years now and they  are all at the peak of their careers and paying dividends. That they haven’t sewn up the most open campaign in a decade is testament to teams like Wigan (their gutsy 3-0 win at the beginning of the year set the tone for these mad cap months), some lackadaisicalal defending (and Terry’s new found ability to push the self destruct button) and Ancellotti’s occasionally frustrating tactics. If they don’t win the league they need to take a long look at themselves. Which I’m sure Lampard probably does anyway. Whilst naked and pouting at his reflection.

5) That Villa aren’t done just yet. They’ve had a torrid time this year and been on the receiving end of several perplexing (and costly) referring decisions – which have denied them a place in the F.A. Cup Final and a shout of winning the League Cup Final. But have kept hacking away in the vivid hope they’ll get a break.

Sunday’s 1-0 win over Birmingham – which may signify a change in fortunes – now offers them a tantalising hope of Champions League football which would be just deserve for O’Neil given the pitiful resources at his disposal. Especially when up against free spenders Spurs and Manchester Lite.

Their next game is away to Manchester Lite which should prove very tasty.

Braps.

The Crab

Smiling on the inside

Chelsea claimed three vital points in the race for the Premier League title as they leapfrogged Manchester United in a 2-1 win on Saturday afternoon.

United, bereft of star striker Wayne Rooney, looked distinctly average and were undone by a piece of Joe Cole trickery in the 20 minute when the personality deprived midfielder back heeled past Van Der Sar from close range.

Fernando Macheda and Didier Drogba both scored contentious goals late on but Chelsea held on for a deserved win. Carlo Ancelotti later told press that United were “not the same team without him (Rooney)” (here) whilst Ferguson told press that with five games left the title was Chelsea’s to lose.

At least they both agree with each other.

Elsewhere Barcelona punch bag Arsenal stayed in contention after beating Wolverhampton Wanderers 1-0 courtesy of a Nicklas Bendtner goal so late it could have been pronounced dead at the scene.

The injury ravaged Gooners dominated proceedings from start to finish but only made their possession count after Wolves captain Karl Henry was controversially sent off for a late lunge on Tomas Rosicky (who is made of straw). Resulting in the Arsenal ace spasming on the pitch like his knackers were wired to a car battery.

Henry later blamed his dismissal on the antics of the ‘moaning’ Arsenal players who surrounded the referee (here). An accusation rejected by Wenger who excused his players on the basis they were still ‘traumatised’ by the spectre of Aaron Ramsey’s injury. The gift that keeps giving.

RACE FOR FOURTH SPOT

Manchester Lite climbed into fourth spot after seeing off pitiful Burnley in a 6-1 victory. Had it been a boxing match the ref would have halted proceedings after 22 minutes (with City 4-0 up) as Burnley would have been unconscious. Or dead. Although we’re sure that any self respecting coroner would probably rule it as a self assisted suicide given the ineptitude of Burnley’s defending.

Elsewhere Aston Villa bounced back from their  7-1 mauling to Chelsea by beating Owen Coyle’s Bolton side 1-0 at the Reebok Stadium thanks in no small part to a beautiful curler from Ashley Young. Which sounds dirty, but trust us, was highly impressive.

Meanwhile Tottenham Hotspur’s annual collapse began in earnest with a 3-1 loss to a Sunderland side in an action packed encounter which saw Darren Bent score two goals, miss two penalties, and Boudewijn Zenden score a wonderful Cryff-esque (Johan, not Jordi) volley.

It’s almost like Spurs are allergic to the Champions League.

I'm so tweeting about this...

And finally Liverpool failed to beat Birmingham City at St. Andrews despite initially going ahead through Steven Gerrard.

RELEGATION FUN

West Ham finally found a spine and handed their survival hopes a much needed boast by holding Everton to a 2-2 draw – thanks mainly to a late Ilan header two minutes from time.

Fulham beat Wigan Athletic to end a run of three successive losses. Fulham were trailing by a goal at half time and  booed off by their own fans – despite Roy Hodgson’s men enjoying a champagne season both in England and in Europe – but redeemed themselves with second half goals from Stefano Okaka and Brede Hangeland.

You can’t please some people. It’s not like they’re Hull. Or from Hull.

Speaking of Hull they lost 2-0 to Stoke City at the Britannia Stadium despite showing enough grit, skill and panache to suggest they could yet stage a stirring Steve McQueen-eqsue style. Complete with Nazi soldiers, a triumph motor bike and a convenient hill. Which would be a major achievement for Ian Dowie. A win in their next game against Burnley could put them on the road to glory or, in the event of a draw, render the rest of the relegation battle meaningless.

Talking of meaningless Portsmouth drew 0-0 with Blackburn in a game that can only be described by emitting the sort of high pitched whining made by a dog after being hit by a car and crawling to a ditch to die and had as much impact on the Premier League as the release of The Sugababes new single. If West Ham  get a point next weekend Portsmouth will be officially relegated with four games remaining. Which, given the season they’ve had, is a minor miracle. Like Kerry Katatona not being dead yet.

AND FINALLY…..

Congratulations to Newcastle United who gained promotion this weekend thanks to a 3-2 win over Peterborough. Will Chris Hughton be the new Paul Ince or the new Rudi Gullit? No one knows but it’ll be a pleasure having England’s best circus back in the Premier League.

We don't know who this person is. He's probably a nobody.

Unstoppable. Unloveable.

Chelsea, Arsenal and Manchester United played pass the parcel with pole position this weekend as all three won their respective games.

A Malouda fuelled Chelsea first dispatched bitter rivals West Ham in an early 4-1 win on Saturday before young pretenders Arsenal squeezed past Hull thanks to a 93′ winner from Niklas Bendtner and in spite of the efforts of referee Mike Riley. Who peppered proceedings with a  series of bizarre decisions. Firstly awarding Hull a penalty to an offside Vennegoor of Hesselink before belatedly sending off George Baoteng after a series of rash incidents – including poking Bendtner in the eye off the ball and then attempting to snap Sagna’s knee. As you do.

However Hull manager Brown Phil, channelling counterpart Arsene Wenger, managed to see something the rest of the country missed – a ‘clear’ sending off for a perfect, if robust, tackle from Campbell on Zayate which resulted in the Hull man limping off the pitch.

The Premiership will certainly be less colourful when he’s gone, in more ways than one, but certainly more palpable.

Manchester United returned to the summit on Sunday despite being far from their fluid best – but still good enough to dispatch Fulham 3-0 at Old Trafford, with England talisman Rooney netting twice to bring his season total to 4,381.

Knowing the nations luck he’ll be struck by an articulated lorry on the eve of the World Cup and our nations hopes will rest on the fragile shoulders of Darren Bent.

Sunderland’s revival continued on Sunday as they held Champions League wannabes Manchester Lite 1-1 at the Stadium of Light – however not even Craig Gordan’s heroics between the sticks could deny Manchester Lite a share of the spoils. He was eventually beaten by a stunning injury time equaliser from the left peg of Adam Johnson.

Meanwhile Champions League hopefuls Aston Villa played out a coma inducing 0-0 draw with Stoke City. (Arrrghhhh make it stop.) Tottenham Hotspur played with confidence and intent in a spicy 3-1 win over Blackburn – who had a late screamer from Nikola Kalinic chalked off harshly by Howard Webb. The spoil sport. However the talking point of the day was how good Gareth Bale was. He’s gone from one man liability to driving impetus of the team during the course of the season and, if he was fortunate enough to be born in England, would surely be deputising for Cashley in South Africa.

Bolton bashed Wigan 4-0 (Elmander scored and everything – that is progress) and appeared to be pulling clear of the relegation battle whilst Coyle’s ex, poor old Burnley – who look like they’re just making up numbers now, lost to an impressive Wolves side. Brian Laws is really making Owen Coyle look like Alex Ferguson and will soon be back where he belongs. The Championship. (”I will carry you Frodo.”)*

And lastly plucky Birmingham City continued to defy the odds by coming back to draw 2-2 with a bullish Everton side who, had it not been for their early season wobble, would surely be scrapping with Lite, Spurs and Villa for fourth spot. Alex McLeish should be thankful for Lite’s generosity as stopper Joe Hart pulled off the sort of impressive saves that has transformed him from a World Cup wannabe to a World Cup maybe.

"I'm out of my league - in more ways than one."

* C’mon! He looks like Sam Gamgee.

Care in the community is a dangerous thing.

Liverpool made up some vital ground in the race for the fourth and final Champions League spot by beating Tottenham Hotspur 2-0 on Wednesday night. Liverpool were made to work hard for the win but deserved the points thanks to a goal in either half from Dirk Kuyt. Yes Dirk Kuyt. Tottenham had chances to get themselves back into the game but after the weekends 0-0 draw with Hull they just can’t seem to buy a goal at the moment – which is ironic given they had Pavlyuchenko and Keane on the bench. Maybe it’s time to re-think they’re transfer policy?

Or they could just buy Ruud Van Nistelroy… (here)

In Wednesday’s only other game Arsenal overcame an early scare at the Emirates to beat pluckish underdogs Bolton 4-2 and move to the top of the table for the first time since August. Bolton initially took an early 2-0 lead against Wenger’s men/boys only to be pegged back by a stunning second half comeback. With Rosicky, Fabregas, Vermaelen and Arshavin all replying to Gary Cahill’s seventh minute volley and Matt Taylor’s penalty.

Controversy of the evening though belonged to William Gallas who injured Bolton’s Mark Davies in the build up to his sides equaliser, a tackle that Owen Coyle described as ‘assault.’ (here) A Bolton manager complaining about an over physical Arsenal side? That’s akin to Hitler calling Mandela a bigot.

Both these results spelt bad news for Sir Alex Ferguson and his stumbling champions Manchester United. They didn’t play this week due to the Carling Cup Semi Final where they were beaten 2-1 by super rich local rivals Manchester Lite. United initially took the lead through Old Man Time Giggs before ex-striker Carlos Tevez netted twice and emulated team mate Adebayor by winding up his team mates for the full 90 minutes and celebrating his second goal by cupping his ears in the direction of the United bench. Which of course resulted in jeers, boos and Gary Neville giving him the finger. (When he wasn’t looking too – ohhh you’re so bad Gary – sometimes he doesn’t flush too.)

FA fine for Mr Neville...

To add insult to injury United’s off pitch woes continue to mount as it was reported the Glazer’s debts had risen to an astronomical, and frankly absurd £716 million. (here) Meaning that United need to win the quadruple for the next four seasons and sell Wayne Rooney and their soul (or have they already done that?) to get anywhere near the black. Maybe. To be honest economics isn’t my forte but everyone else seems mighty concerned and ting. Personally I can see the problem as I’m still paying off my student loan off a decade on and that was only for £12,000. Interest is a bitch.

It puts things in perspective doesn’t it Pompey? Feeling better? No? I’ll shut up then.

And finally Aston Villa beat Blackburn in some Semi Final type game. I’m sure it was really dull. Actually it wasn’t Villa won 6-4. That’s what you call a classic. If you didn’t watch it you deserve to live in ignorance. Like Liverpudlians.

Night all.

Arsenal v Bolton Highlights

Not the Premier League Manager of the Month.

Happy New Year everyone! And when we mean everyone we of course mean everyone bar Gary Megson and poor old Portsmouth.  And paedophiles. Obviously. But that goes without saying. Anyway on the dawn of the New Year the Premiership landscape is slipping gradually into an oh-so-familiar shape as the big guns of the league continue to flex their muscle and the little paupers, scratching a meager living at the bottom of the barrel, get beaten like Little Mo.

Firstly Portsmouth, rock bottom of the league and 4 points adrift of 19th placed Hull, get hit by a wind-up petition by HMRC. And when we say ‘wind-up petition’ we don’t mean a petition going “sign up and force Margaret in accounts to get her unsightly upper lip waxed.” We mean “if you don’t pay up by the end of January you go into administration.” This of course, in Premier League parlance, means instant relegation. Which all things considered could actually be more merciful than having them play out a full season.

Kind of like shooting an annoying three legged dog.

On the pitch normal service has been restored on Wednesday night as a ruthless Arsenal team romped to a 4-1 win over Pompey’s novelty half price side and banged another nail into their coffin. However Pompey, like the Sugababes, refuse to die and will limp on to face Coventry this Saturday in the F.A. Cup. Bless them.

Elsewhere the heartless Bolton board listened to the terminally bored voices of the Rebok faithful and sacked manager Gary Megson. However given that his team casually threw away a two goal lead on Tuesday against nearest rivals Hull it’s not overly surprising. The game ended 2-2 and leaves both teams stuck in the mire.

After successfully masquerading as a decent Premiership outfit for a slice of the season Wigan have decided that, yes, after-all, we are relegation fodder. They’ve won only one of their last nine Premiership games and were humiliated 5-0 by Manchester United at Old Trafford on Wednesday. Wigan have now conceded more goals than anyone (even Portsmouth) and are dropping like a stone tied to a rather large anvil.

Part man, part footballing God, part KFC.

Liverpool, on a wing and a prayer, somehow managed to notch up their fourth win in ten against a stuttering Aston Villa. Thanks in no small part to star striker Fernando Torres who rammed home the only goal of the game deep in stoppage time. That’ll teach you to have dreams O’Neil.

Ruthless Chelsea continued the theme of stealing points from those less fortunate by coming from behind to beat Fulham 2-1 on Monday. For 73 minutes Roy Hodgson’s band of merry men had contrived to steal three justly deserved points from their cash rich rivals, only to be ROBBED by a Drogba header and then BROKEN by a Chris Smalling own goal. With the poor youngster putting into his own net on his debut no less. Oh the humanity! For an encore Chelsea will probably raid a childrens hospital or steal a homeless man’s dog. They look the type.

Elsewhere Manchester Lite were fortunate to beat Wolverhampton Wanderers by a 3-0 margin, Tottenham Hotspur beat listless feeder club West Ham 2-0 and Everton beat new boys Burnley 2-0 to breathe new life into their stale and crusty season.

Only new boys Birmingham City defied the odds to beat Stoke 1-0 and continue their miraculous 10 game unbeaten run (how long can that last?) and finally Sunderland and Blackburn shared the spoils of war in a 2-2 draw. With England man Darren Bent bagging a brace.

See you in 2010!

The Crab

Crab Football’s Manager of the Month: Alex McLeish

Crab Football’s Player of the Month: Roger Johnson (Birmingham)

Not Crab Football’s Manager of the Month: Gary Megson (unemployed)

Not Crab Football’s Player of the Month: Robinho a.k.a. Mr 50%

Rooney rescues United. After nearly sinking them.

The shape of the Premier League looked a little more familiar after the latest round of post Christmas games. Firstly League leaders Chelsea saw their lead at the top whittled away further as they drew 0-0 with inform Birmingham City at St Andrews. Although an upset was only a harsh linesman’s flag away after Birmingham’s Benitez had the only goal of the game disallowed and denied the pleasure of pissing on Carlo Ancelotti’s chips. So to speak. Birmingham were also indebted to keeper Joe Hart also put in a decent shift between the sticks and did World Cup chances no harm – denying Chelsea with three classy stops to keep matters level.

It’s just as well they didn’t lose as elsewhere traditional rivals Arsenal, Manchester United and Liverpool all returned to winning ways. Arsenal beat young pretenders Aston Villa 3-0 at the Emirates thanks to a super cameo from Cesc Fabregas, who climbed off the bench for 28 minutes to score twice before limping off with seven minutes remaining. Diaby gave the result a generous gloss with a superb injury time goal.

Fabregas could now be out for three weeks after aggravating his hamstring injury although Wenger was adamant he’d “take the gamble again.” (here)

Similarly Manchester United had to rely on super striker Wayne Rooney to hold off a lively Hull side in a frenetic game at the KC Stadium. Hull were ruing being denied a first half penalty as the ginger spod popped up to give United the lead in first half injury time. However in the second half Hull equalised thanks to a kamikaze Rooney back pass before he atoned by forcing Andy Dawson to put the ball into his own net and then set up Berbatov for the 3-1 win. He just loves to be the centre of attention.

Liverpool beat Wolverhampton Wanderers to record only their third win in nine games – althoughin fairness they had to rely on the controversial sending off of Stephen Ward for two yellow cards to get the ball rolling. Steven Gerrard powered home a header before Yossi Benayoun finished off from close range for an uninspiring win. They may have turned a corner but Tuesday’s game at Villa Park will be the real acid test.

Benitez conceded that his team were far from their best on Saturday and that they “needed to improve.” (here)

Nothing gets past him.

We're not getting fired! Hurrah!

Roberto Mancini swept into Manchester Lite like a budget Jose Mourinho and inspired his expensively assembled, and thus far under performing, mercenaries to a 2-0 win over Stoke City – thanks to strikes from Carlos Tevez and Martin Petrov. However of real note is that Machester Lite kept only their second clean sheet in three whole months. He’s not a miracle worker yet but it’s a start. Mancini also indicated there would be further defensive improvements to come – probably in the form of the sale of Kolo Toure. Who is looking like a fully fledged £14 million flop from where I’m standing.

The bottom of the league though is tighter than Nicole Kidman’s face after her latest botox programme as only  two points separate the teams between 19th and 14th place. Only sad old Portsmouth languish two points adrift of the pack after losing 2-0 to rivals West Ham, who have now clambered out of the drop zone thanks to goals from Diamanti and Kovac.

If West Ham beat Tottenham on Monday Zola will at least be able to go into January with a degree of optimism – particularly if they hold onto their ’star’ players.

In the Championship former Pompey manager Paul Hart may saw his cash rich QPR side beat Bristol City 2-1 and edge closer to the play off places – meaning that there is a distinct possibility that come the end of the season Pompey and QPR could swap divisions. Now wouldn’t that be karma?

Bolton remain in the drop zone despite salvaging a point away to Burley. The Wanderers initially led though a Matt Taylor wonder free kick only to be pegged back by Portsmouth outcast David Nuggent. It’s a wonder why Pompey spent good hard money on Tommy Smith with him still on their books? But that’s Pompey for you…..

Tottenham went to Fulham and surprisingly didn’t lose, instead drawing 0-0 thanks in no small part to Heurelho Gomes who in the space of year has turned from perennial liability to a half decent keeper. There is hope for Gareth Bale yet. Gomes is truly an inspiration to us all. Like Will Smith film The Pursuit of Happiness, but less likely to make us vomit.

And lastly Sunderland drew 1-1 with Everton. A result that really does nothing for either teams whilst Wigan and Blackburn finished with the same scoreline. With forgotten man Benni McCarthy scoring his first goal of the season. The days of him being linked with Manchester United and Chelsea must seem so far away now…..

……like a different life. (Said in a whisper.)

Chin up Mark. It's Christmas soon! Sorry? A P45? We didn't know....

Ho ho ho Crab Football readers! The season of happiness and good will is upon us! Can’t you just feel the warmth rise up within you? Can you feel the undeniable joy of the festive period that penetrates through all of us, even the coldest of bah humbug cynics, gently basking you in an aura of happiness? Not if your name is Sir Alex Ferguson it doesn’t. The Manchester United manager is probably still incandescent with rage after his team were torn apart 3-0 by Fulham on Saturday. Yep you read that right. 3-0. In fairness with much of his squad ruled out through injury Ferguson had less of a defence than Josef Fitzl but the manner in which his team capitulated against Zamora and co is quite alarming. If not totally out of sync with this odd ball season where anything goes. With no defenders due back anytime soon it could be a tough holiday period for the Champions.

No defence and bad hygene? Sad times.

“There’s no light at the end of the tunnel,” said a rather pessimistic Alex Ferguson/The Cure after the game. Merry Christmas indeed.

Things could be worse for Fergie though, at least Chelsea blew their chance to put more distance between them by drawing 1-1  with bitter rivals West Ham. The Hammers will be gutted that they didn’t secure a much needed three points against the league leaders as much of their play belied their lowly status, Chelsea only equalised from 12 yards when Matthew Upson was cruelly penalised for a perfect tackle on Daniel Sturridge. However short of Harry Redknapp self combusting in blue flames, nicking a point from their rivals will be the perfect gift for West Ham fans.

If you’re feeling a little blue this Christmas, a little unloved or depressed even, then just put down those razor blades and thank your deities that you’re not poor old Rafa Benitez, who seems to have the opposite of the Midas touch at the moment. Which seems to be that everything he touches turns to dog shit. Liverpool’s horrendous season lurched headlong into another loss this weekend. This time to time losing 2-0 to bottom club Portsmouth thanks in no small part to a stunning opener from Nadir Belhadj and Javier Mascherano who managed to get himself simultaneously sent off and injured before half time. For his next trick he’ll set Steven Gerrard on fire.

However Benitez was graceful in defeat and didn’t make the referee a scape goat. Nosirre. He told the BBC after the game that:

“The referee was perfect. He was perfect when not giving fouls to Torres. He was perfect in the sending off. He was perfect in everything.”

Elsewhere Arsenal made up some ground by beating Hull 3-0 at the Emirates in a spicy encounter which saw all the players involved in an en masse brawl – except for William Gallas – which is the football equivalent of having a smack party and Kerry Katona not showing up. Normal service was resumed in the aftermath as Denilson notched a stunning free kick before half time, followed by second half strikes from Eduardo and Diaby.

Denilson fires Arsenal into the lead

Mark Hughes got exactly what he wanted for Christmas – that is if he asked Santa for a rather long holiday and for the freedom of the open road – as he was finally shown the door after nearly two years loyal service at Manchester Lite. His side beat Sunderland 4-3 in an exhilarating game but this wasn’t enough to save his bacon, as rumours suggest his replacement had been signed up some weeks ago. If only he hadn’t spunked £40 million on a centre back pairing incapable of keeping a clean sheet he might still be with us…. we knew him well.

Meanwhile super string bean Peter Crouch led Tottenham to a 2-0 win over Blackburn Rovers to keep on the heels of their North London neighbours. Aston Villa ground out a dogged 1-0 win over Stoke to stay in contention – courtesy of a John Carew goal. We’d describe him as a ‘muscular string bean.’

Everton will be spitting blood to have drawn 1-1 with Birmingham in a game more lop sided than…..nghnnnnn….. pun about Heather Mills evades me….. damn you! And lastly big ol’ Mick McCarthy gave a big ol’ middle finger to the Premier League officials and their book of obscure and unfestive rules by leading Wolves to a deserved 2-0 win over Burnley.

Have a good Christmas folks!

The Crab

Lampards penalty ensured three points for the hosts. Bah humbug.

Wolverhampton Wanderers gave Sir Alex Ferguson’s Manchester United team the perfect early Christmas present by fielding a team of waifs and strays for Tuesdays match at Old Trafford. With calamitous results. Not only did they symbolically hand their opponents three points on a silver platter but also Mick McCarthy could have to face the music for contravening obscure, dusty rule 20 (section E) of the Premier League code, which states “In every league match each participating club shall field a full-strength team.” Wolves went on to lose the game 3-0 thanks to goals from Rooney, Vidic and Valencia.

Elsewhere Tottenham Hotspur spanked a wasteful Manchester Lite side 3-0 at White Hart Lane. Which means it’s another week where we’ll be forced to take Tottenham’s top four credentials seriously and for Mark Hughes to wait for the dreaded vote of confidence. He should seriously be worried now. What’s that in the corner Mark! Only a coat rack. Try to relax.. Spurs could even afford to leave big money signings like Hutton, Bale, Modric, Keane and Pavlychenko on the bench safe in the knowledge that Kranjcar was doing the damage on the pitch – he netted twice and took home the Man of the Match champagne. What idiots let him go for just £2 million?

Speaking of rock bottom Portsmouth, they were desperately unlucky to return from their encounter with Chelsea empty handed after putting in a ‘frisky’ performance at Stamford Bridge. They lost 2-1 but will be ruing not coming away with at least a point as they fluffed several chances to level – which fell to Kevin Prince Boateng – they do have the worst of luck. A Frank Lampard penalty and Anelka strike secured three points for the hosts.

Liverpool notched up their third win in ten attempts (oh how the mighty have fallen) by dispatching Wigan 2-0 at Anfield with goals from Ngog (how does he get in the team?) and super sub Fernando Torres. They celebrated like it was 1999.

Aston Villa beat Sunderland 2-0 and solidified their position in the top four. Thanks in no small part to England bit players James Miller – who was exceptional – and Emile Heskey – who scored his second goal of the season. Even a second class stamp gets there eventually..

West Ham’s nightmare season continues to spiral into oblivion as they lost 3-1 to relegation rivals Bolton with goals from Klasnic, Gary Cahil and added and abetted by a cack handed Robert Green. It’s really hard to imagine things getting any worse for Zola’s team. To be nearly as bad as Portsmouth really does take some doing.

Birmingham City beat Blackburn 2-1 to leap frog Manchester City (one more nail in the coffin…) and continue their excellent winning run. If they take three points from Everton on Saturday we may have to add their name to the ballooning list of teams dreaming of Champions League football. Stranger things have happened…

Actually on reflection they haven’t.

And finally Arsenal and Burnley shared the spoils at Turf Moor. Both teams had chances to win the game but Arsene will secretly be relieved that his team took anything from the game, being saved on two occasions by the linesman’s flag and a generous referee. Of greater concern to Arsene Wenger will be that goal scorer limped off with an injury to add to army of walking wounded in the treatment room.

VIRAL OF THE WEEK!

"Touch my nipple"

The Premier League truly makes a mockery of us all. Just when you think the League is beginning to find it’s equilibrium after a topsy turvey few months along comes another weekend packed with so many curve balls that you literally don’t know where to begin.

Amidst the chaos Arsenal’s Arsene Wenger must be chuffed that his side’s title tilt is back on track. Not only did his wonder midgets beat rivals Liverpool 2-1 at Anfield, pushing Rafa Benetiz closer to the exit door, but all their rivals slipped up in games that should have seen them collect three points.

Carlo Ancelloti’s seemingly invincible Chelsea side (and Petr Cech) drew 3-3 with a threadbare Everton team at Stamford Bridge. If Chelsea continue to concede soft goals from set pieces like they have of late it wouldn’t be too shocking to see their gaff prone keeper carted off to the glue factory. This result should have given Manchester United further incentive to beat Aston Villa. Instead they decided to disappointingly lose 1-0. Meaning that Martin O’Neil’s ambitious outfit have stole impressively into a Champions League place with very little fanfare.

“Don’t mind us,” Martin O’Neil said in his post match press conference, whilst whistling to himself and trying to look inconspicuous.

Wenger’s normally icy demeanor will have positively been Hawaiian with the news that Wolves had beaten local ‘rivals’ Tottenham 1-0 at White Hart Lane and that Manchester City had managed to somehow drawn 3-3 with a  Bolton side languishing in the bottom half of the table. Mark Hughes’s team are beginning to turn drawing into something of an art form. Which I’m sure will feature prominately on Mark Hughe’s CV come the New Year.

Birmingham City’s surprising winning streak continued with a 1-0 victory over West Ham, Gianfranco Zola – who is no longer being touted as a future Chelsea manager – rued the sending off of Mark Noble saying the ref “took a day off.” Which is presumably an Italian way for tactfully calling someone an idiot.

Hull and Blackburn played out the days only 0-0 game. Both managers will perhaps be grateful for a point but their fans will be grateful if they’re never again forced to relive the tortuously awful proceedings. It’s rumoured that the events were so dull that a tape of the game could be the football worlds equivalent to The Ring. i.e. if you watch it you will die within a week or be found tearing out your eyes and screaming “Dear God no! Not again! Please Mummy no.”

Elsewhere Bobby Zamora did his wafer thin England chances no harm by netting for Fulham in their 1-1 draw with  Burnley.

Wigan and Stoke played out a lively 2-2 draw at the Brittania Stadium, the highlight of the game being Figueroa Maynor’s stunning goal from his own half. Pow!

And finally Sunderland’s stuttering season rolled on as they drew 1-1 with Avram Grant’s beleaguered Pompey side. With Younnes Kaboul getting the equaliser deep into stoppage time and celebrating by getting himself sent off. Atta boy.