Crab TELLS you how this weekend's games will pan out.

SATURDAY 29th August 2009

Chelsea vs Burnley (Stamford Bridge 12:45)

This really is a David vs Golaith affair. In one corner you have mega rich Chelsea with a team filled with quality and a  bench brimming with international experience and in the other you have Burnley, whose record signing is Wale’s Steven Fletcher. Which really does say it all. The probability of Burnley getting three points at Stamford Bridge is somewhere between none and f**k all. In fact if Burnley win I’ll personally lick Owen Coyle’s boots clean with my tongue.

Kinky.

Verdict: 2-0

Blackburn v West Ham (Ewood Park 3pm)

Things are going so badly for West Ham that I strongly suspect that Gianfranco Zola spends his weekends upsetting the RSPCA by driving through fields of black cats in a combine harvester. They’ve had to deal with rioting fans, stabbed centre backs, deaths in the family, the news that Dean Ashton may have to retire and suffered the indignity of having to beg their sponsors for a cash advance to go shopping with.

To make matters worse Spurs are top of the league and they’ll have a tough time at Ewood Park. This has ‘frustrating niggly draw’ written all over it.

Verdict: 1-1

Bolton v Liverpool (Reebok Stadium – 3pm)

If Liverpool lose this they are in serious, serious trouble. Like the time in Welwyn Garden City when I accidentally posted some mail in a letter box along with a lit cigarette that set fire to all the contents. Whoops. Anyway I digress. Rafa desperately needs a win here to get the ball rolling but Gerrard and Torres look jaded and are, in my ‘expert’ opinion, there for the proverbial taking. Oh er missus.

Bolton couldn’t be playing them at a better time.

Verdict: 2-2

Stoke v Sunderland (Brittania Stadium – 3pm)

The Crab has a sneaky feeling that this may be the hidden gem of the weekend and not a turgid shite-fest shown last on Match of the Day. I’m expecting crunching tackles, Delap long bombs (all the way from Afghanistan), another Bent goal and a sparkling debut from Tuncay.

The Crab thinks Stoke, buoyed by the signings of Huth and Tuncay, will nick it.

Verdict: 2-1

Tottenham v Birmingham (White Hart Lane – 3pm)

The Crab fears we’ll have to endure smug Tottenham fans for at least another week. Actually thinking about it makes me all queasy. Like watching ‘two girls one cup.’ (DON’T google that!) To make matters worse I think Bentley is going to be unleashed, score a blinder and spend the post match interview grinning like a Cheshire cat and gently rubbing his nipples because he’s so damn pleased with himself. Oh the humanity!

Verdict: 3-0

Wolves v Hull (Molineaux)

The Crab watched a deplorable, but surprisingly informative video on nothingtoxic.com where a tiger gets attacked by a pack of wild dogs. Based on this The Crab, who doesn’t condone pitting exotic animals against each other for entertainment purposes – nosiree, thinks a lowly wolf (essentially a fashionable dog) would get ripped to shreds by a flipping tiger.

Seriously, in the video he bats them around like blooded rag dolls. It’s almost cruel.

Anyway based solely on this The Crab feels a Jozy Altidore inspired Hull will win. Expect Phil Brown to be overly pleased with himself. (Are Brown and Bentley related?)

Verdict: 0-2

Man Utd v Arsenal (Old Trafford – 17:15pm)

This is the big one isn’t it? A win for Manchester United would convince any remaining doubters that they can survive without Ronaldo and Tevez whilst a win for the Gooners would indemnify Arsene’s transfer policy to the fans for at least another week (or until they lose again – aren’t fan’s fickle?)

Which ever way it swings expect fire works and drama. Personally The Crab’s £5 is on Eduardo getting shamelessly cleaned out in the United penalty area and subsequently being booked for diving. Forcing Wenger to do an impression of a French Basil Faulty and have a freaking conniption.

Verdict: 1-2