|
July 6th, 2010
 Ronaldo leaves hospital on Monday afternoon. Lisbon, Portugal - Football superstar Cristiano Ronaldo was last night celebrating the birth of his first child after successfully getting his right hand pregnant after ‘months of trying.’ The Real Madrid winger, more used to defying the laws of physics than biology, is said to be ecstatic with the news and allegedly now has a right hand that can crush boulders into dust.
July 5th, 2010
 Taking calls day and night ladies... Money grabbing Chelsea star Ashley Cole was hitting headlines for all the wrong reasons today after the Sunday Mirror broke news that he’d been ‘bombarding’ pretty models with salacious texts before and after crucial England World Cup matches. An anonymous model told reporters that the sex crazed pillock had hounded her with 139 separate text messages begging for dirty talk and ‘reelly durty pix.’ However football fans will be stunned that dirty-pillow-obsessed Cole also sent pictures of his naked torso to the hussy – thereby locking her into a 12 month premium rate sex service for Red Hot Cole INC.
July 4th, 2010
 It no longer hurts.... Hello again! It is I, your lord and saviour Michael Owen, I apologise for not writing sooner but I’ve been digesting last Sundays result and letting the cold hard reality sink in. It’s all over loyal fans. It appears we’ll all have to wait patiently for another four years before I, Michael Phillip Owen, can once again attempt to hold the Jules Rimet trophy in my clammy tinny hands. By the 2014 World Cup I’ll be 34 years young, meaning that thereafter the probability of me being a World Cup winner slips from the realms of ‘inevitable’ to ’slightly unlikely.’ Even with a weeks distance from that capitulation it is difficult to comprehend how we crumpled so badly against the Germans, they’re not that good. Last time I played them I netted a hat-trick. And I got a hat-trick against Wolfsburg if you’re interested. Which you are.
June 28th, 2010
 Goal !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...... wait, what? Although England were dumped out of the World Cup yesterday, comprehensively being beaten 4-1 by Germany on actual goals, they still came away with a victory in excuses making them the real winners on the day. The team’s performance was uninspiring for the first half hour falling behind to two German goals — however in an action packed couple of minutes, England turned the dire performance around being awarded a solid excuse to send the Squad and English Press home happy with someone else to blame.
June 25th, 2010
 Suited and booted and ready to rock bitches. Well loyal readers the World Cup is going great isn’t it? The first game against the US of A highlighted exactly why I’m here and why Emile Heskey should be put out to seed. Preferably in a mine field. On a personal level it was hard to watch the game knowing that Capello was probably saving me for a more important clash, I sat on the big bench behind the little bench the players were on, either watching through my fingers or yelling for him to bring me on. I kept pleading, “Fabio! Fabio! Now is the hour! LOVE ME!” But the distance was too great and my brittle voice was drowned out by the cacophony of fans around me, the vuvuzelas and a brass band.
|
