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February 27th, 2011
 Joe 'Einstein' Cole The insinuation that Cole is capable enough to breach a sealed package was understandably met by howls of mocking laughter from the assembled press until it became uncomfortably apparent the Merseyside legend was not deliberately being funny.
January 10th, 2011
 Beckham arrives at Spurs Tottenham Hotspur fans were literally dancing in the discarded heroin needle littered streets of North London after Daniel Levy confirmed David Beckhams arrival at White Hart Lane on a short term deal. Levels of smug were reaching dangerous proportions as Levy lauded the capture, describing Beckham, 35, as ‘the greatest PR signing of the season.’ Telling press that his arrival will transform the teams fortunes on the pitch and would help sell replica shirts to the far east. “In Japan we’re just really known fo being Manchester United’s feeder club,” said Levy, parading Beckham like a shiny bauble, “but not any more – now we’re on the map!” But manager Redknapp was quick to dash suggestions that the ageing war horse was only there to boost the clubs profile and help in the bid to secure the Stratford Olympic Stadium. Nosiree. Reminding press that Mr Beckham would also be helping Lennon learn how to cross, a concept he’d struggled with for nearly four years.
December 28th, 2010
 "To Heathrow?" The owner of Hill Top Taxis, Dale Watkins, last night confirmed to press that his finest Estonian taxi driver had been dispatched to Stamford Bridge to collect “one passenger.” ‘It’s just rand the corner,’ Mr Watkins was quoted as saying, verifying internet rumours that Mr Abramovich had ordered a taxi for Italian supremo Carlo Ancelotti following Chelsea’s 3-1 capitulation to Arsenal FC. In unrelated news Ray Wilkins is said to be pissing himself with laughter.
December 27th, 2010
 "A real trooper." Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson today threw cold water over rumours linking the league leaders to Lassana Diarra; stating that midfield dynamo Owen Hargreaves, last seen in the year of our Lord 1839, was ‘raring to heal.’ Ferguson described Hargreaves ‘as a real battler’, regaling press with tales of how the England international had recently fought off the spectre of Death with his crutches at the Carrington training ground, much to the delight of his watching team mates. ‘Owen is gearing up for excessive period of healing which will hopefully lead to some training, maybe some reserve games and potentially some tangible first team action in the form of the Carling Cup. If not it’s the knackers yard.’
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