March 2nd, 2010
Did you miss me? I missed you....
Hello boys and girls it’s me, Michael Owen. Obviously you’ve been on the interweb with the memory of my tantalizing League Cup cameo fresh in your mind and thought “hey I wonder what former England darling Michael Owen, who has shamefully been left out of the national squad again, for no flipping reason whatsoever, been up to recently?” Well you’ve tracked me down and let me tell you it’s been an action packed couple of months in Owen Land. I shit thee not. I’ve scored two, count ‘em, TWO goals in the past month alone. I nearly smiled.
People have been asking me today what it’s like to score in a major cup final at Wembley only to be predictably withdrawn through injury? It’s a tough one to answer and the bittersweet feeling has no real comparison. It’s like making love to beautiful woman only to find she still has a pulse. We’ve all been there.
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February 24th, 2010
Fabulous ball control.
Manchester City midfielder Patrick Vieira has hit back at accusations that he intentionally set out to injure Stoke’s Glen Whelan in last Tuesdays ill tempered contest at the Britannia Stadium. Vieira, who has hit with a retrospective three match ban for raking Whelan viciously in the nether regions, said on his personal website that he was only reacting to a previously unseen incident.
Vieira, whose freakishly large genitalia can be seen from Google Earth, wrote that as early as the second minute he’d been the victim of an unsavory lunge from the Stoke midfielder.
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February 21st, 2010
Items have now been removed from the internet.
Trading Standards officers were called into action on Monday morning to investigate claims that beleaguered Portsmouth have been disguising their star assets as general household objects and selling them on the popular eBay website – in a pathetic attempt to bypass the Premier League’s stringent transfer rules.
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February 19th, 2010
Tabloid Newspapers Do It Again!
The excitement in London’s Fleet Street could be contained no longer this afternoon, as a spokesperson for the UK’s leading tabloid newspapers declared “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!” — signifying a triumphant end to their major combat operations over ruining England’s World Cup campaign.
Unlike past tournaments, scheduled scandals involving the England players have been leaked much earlier in the year, the spokesperson explained “After McClaren had been given the boot and Capello brought into the fold, we knew we would have to up our game”, Smirkingly he stated “Plans were drawn up with definite targets …. today is proof that our preparation and dedication has paid off”.
Over the last month we have seen scandals broke in the tabloids about EVERY Player that could potentially make England’s 2010 World Cup Squad …… all except Stewart Downing, with the spokesperson laughing “Well it’s Stewart Downing ain’t it?”
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February 13th, 2010
"Rarrrrrrrr!!!!!!"
Japanese Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama today launched a stinging attack on Villa forward John Carew after the languid striker had single handedly crushed 5,000 Japanese people in an unprovoked and devastating attack on Japan last night. Eye witnesses state that the 6′7 target man surfaced from the depths of the North Pacific Ocean at 7pm local time before SUDDENLY ATTACKING the Chimba prefecture of Tokyo in a two hour orgy of chaos and destruction which left thousands homeless – causing more damage in one evening than the entire nation of Norway had mustered in the past Milena.
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